Chapter 2

Or,
perhaps, of that class, who, in the sapience of taste, are disgusted with
those very flavours in the productions of their own country which have
yielded infinite delectation to their faculties, when imported from
another clime; and d--n an author in despite of all precedent and
prescription;--who extol the writings of Petronius Arbiter, read with
rapture the amorous sallies of Ovid's pen, and chuckle over the story of
Lucian's ass; yet, if a modern author presumes to relate the progress of
a simple intrigue, are shocked at the indecency and immorality of the
scene;--who delight in following Guzman d'Alfarache, through all the
mazes of squalid beggary; who with pleasure accompany Don Quixote and his
squire, in the lowest paths of fortune; who are diverted with the
adventures of Scarron's ragged troop of strollers, and highly entertained
with the servile situations of Gil Blas; yet, when a character in humble
life occasionally occurs in a performance of our own growth, exclaim,
with an air of disgust, "Was ever anything so mean! sure, this writer
must have been very conversant with the lowest scenes of life";--who,
when Swift or Pope represents a coxcomb in the act of swearing, scruple
not to laugh at the ridiculous execrations; but, in a less reputed
author, condemn the use of such profane expletives;--who eagerly explore
the jakes of Rabelais, for amusement, and even extract humour from the
dean's description of a lady's dressing-room; yet in a production of
these days, unstamped with such venerable names, will stop their noses,
with all the signs of loathing and abhorrence, at a bare mention of the
china chamber-pot;--who applauded Catullus, Juvenal, Persius, and Lucan,
for their spirit in lashing the greatest names of antiquity; yet, when a
British satirist, of this generation, has courage enough to call in
question the talents of a pseudo-patron in power, accuse him of
insolence, rancour, and scurrility.

If such you be, courteous reader, I say again, have a little patience;
for your entertainment we are about to write. Our hero shall, with all
convenient despatch, be gradually sublimed into those splendid connexions
of which you are enamoured; and God forbid, that, in the meantime, the
nature of his extraction should turn to his prejudice in a land of
freedom like this, where individuals are every day ennobled in
consequence of their own qualifications, without the least retrospective
regard to the rank or merit of their ancestors. Yes, refined reader, we
are hastening to that goal of perfection, where satire dares not show her
face; where nature is castigated, almost even to still life; where humour
turns changeling, and slavers in an insipid grin; where wit is
volatilised into a mere vapour; where decency, divested of all substance,
hovers about like a fantastic shadow; where the salt of genius, escaping,
leaves nothing but pure and simple phlegm; and the inoffensive pen for
ever drops the mild manna of soul-sweetening praise.

CHAPTER TWO

A SUPERFICIAL VIEW OF OUR HERO'S INFANCY.

Having thus bespoken the indulgence of our guests, let us now produce the
particulars of our entertainment, and speedily conduct our adventurer
through the stage of infancy, which seldom teems with interesting
incidents.

As the occupations of his mother would not conveniently permit her to
suckle this her firstborn at her own breast, and those happy ages were
now no more, in which the charge of nursing a child might be left to the
next goat or she-wolf, she resolved to improve upon the ordinances of
nature, and foster him with a juice much more energetic than the milk of
goat, wolf, or woman; this was no other than that delicious nectar,
which, as we have already hinted, she so cordially distributed from a
small cask that hung before her, depending from her shoulders by a
leathern zone. Thus determined, ere he was yet twelve days old, she
enclosed him in a canvas knapsack, which being adjusted to her neck, fell
down upon her back, and balanced the cargo that rested on her bosom.

There are not wanting those who affirm, that, while her double charge was
carried about in this situation, her keg was furnished with a long and
slender flexible tube, which, when the child began to be clamorous, she
conveyed into his mouth, and straight he stilled himself with sucking;
but this we consider as an extravagant assertion of those who mix the
marvellous in all their narrations, because we cannot conceive how the
tender organs of an infant could digest such a fiery beverage, which
never fails to discompose the constitutions of the most hardy and robust.
We therefore conclude that the use of this potation was more restrained,
and that it was with simple element diluted into a composition adapted to
his taste and years. Be this as it will, he certainly was indulged in
the use of it to such a degree as would have effectually obstructed his
future fortune, had not he been happily cloyed with the repetition of the
same fare, for which he conceived the utmost detestation and abhorrence,
rejecting it with loathing and disgust, like those choice spirits, who,
having been crammed with religion in their childhood, renounce it in
their youth, among other absurd prejudices of education.

While he was thus dangled in a state of suspension, a German trooper was
transiently smit with the charms of his mother, who listened to his
honourable addresses, and once more received the silken bonds of
matrimony; the ceremony having been performed as usual at the drum-head.
The lady had no sooner taken possession of her new name, than she
bestowed it upon her son, who was thenceforward distinguished by the
appellation of Ferdinand de Fadom; nor was the husband offended at this
presumption in his wife, which he not only considered as a proof of her
affection and esteem, but also as a compliment, by which he might in time
acquire the credit of being the real father of such a hopeful child.

Notwithstanding this new engagement with a foreigner, our hero's mother
still exercised the virtues of her calling among the English troops, so
much was she biassed by that laudable partiality, which, as Horace
observes, the natale solum generally inspires. Indeed this inclination
was enforced by another reason, that did not fail to influence her
conduct in this particular; all her knowledge of the High Dutch language
consisted in some words of traffic absolutely necessary for the practice
of hex vocation, together with sundry oaths and terms of reproach, that
kept her customers in awe; so that, except among her own countrymen, she
could not indulge that propensity to conversation, for which she had been
remarkable from her earliest years. Nor did this instance of her
affection fail of turning to her account in the sequel. She was promoted
to the office of cook to a regimental mess of officers; and, before the
peace of Utrecht, was actually in possession of a suttling-tent, pitched
for the accommodation of the gentlemen in the army.

Meanwhile, Ferdinand improved apace in the accomplishments of infancy;
his beauty was conspicuous, and his vigour so uncommon, that he was
with justice likened unto Hercules in the cradle. The friends of his
father-in-law dandled him on their knees, while he played with their
whiskers, and, before he was thirteen months old, taught him to suck
brandy impregnated with gunpowder, through the touch-hole of a pistol.
At the same time, he was caressed by divers serjeants of the British
army, who severally and in secret contemplated his qualifications with a
father's pride, excited by the artful declaration with which the mother
had flattered each apart.

Soon as the war was (for her unhappily) concluded, she, as in duty bound,
followed her husband into Bohemia; and his regiment being sent into
garrison at Prague, she opened a cabaret in that city, which was
frequented by a good many guests of the Scotch and Irish nations, who
were devoted to the exercise of arms in the service of the Emperor. It
was by this communication that the English tongue became vernacular to
young Ferdinand, who, without such opportunity, would have been a
stranger to the language of his forefathers, in spite of all his mother's
loquacity and elocution; though it must be owned, for the credit of her
maternal care, that she let slip no occasion of making it familiar to his
ear and conception; for, even at those intervals in which she could find
no person to carry on the altercation, she used to hold forth in earnest
soliloquies upon the subject of her own situation, giving vent to many
opprobrious invectives against her husband's country, between which and
Old England she drew many odious comparisons; and prayed, without
ceasing, that Europe might speedily be involved in a general war, so as
that she might have some chance of re-enjoying the pleasures and
emoluments of a Flanders campaign.

CHAPTER THREE

HE IS INITIATED IN A MILITARY LIFE, AND HAS THE GOOD FORTUNE TO ACQUIRE A
GENEROUS PATRON.

While she wearied Heaven with these petitions, the flame of war broke out
betwixt the houses of Ottoman and Austria, and the Emperor sent forth an
army into Hungary, under the auspices of the renowned Prince Eugene. On
account of this expedition, the mother of our hero gave up housekeeping,
and cheerfully followed her customers and husband into the field; having
first provided herself with store of those commodities in which she had
formerly merchandised. Although the hope of profit might in some measure
affect her determination, one of the chief motives for her visiting the
frontiers of Turkey, was the desire of initiating her son in the
rudiments of his education, which she now thought high time to inculcate,
he being, at this period, in the sixth year of his age; he was
accordingly conducted to the camp, which she considered as the most
consummate school of life, and proposed for the scene of his instruction;
and in this academy he had not continued many weeks, when he was an
eye-witness of that famous victory, which, with sixty thousand men, the
Imperial general obtained over an army of one hundred and fifty thousand
Turks.

His father-in-law was engaged, and his mother would not be idle on this
occasion. She was a perfect mistress of all the camp qualifications, and
thought it a duty incumbent on her to contribute all that lay in her
power towards distressing the enemy. With these sentiments she hovered
about the skirts of the army, and the troops were no sooner employed in
the pursuit, than she began to traverse the field of battle with a
poignard and a bag, in order to consult her own interest, annoy the foe,
and exercise her humanity at the same time. In short, she had, with
amazing prowess, delivered some fifty or threescore disabled Mussulmen of
the pain under which they groaned, and made a comfortable booty of the
spoils of the slain, when her eyes were attracted by the rich attire of
an Imperial officer, who lay bleeding on the plain, to all appearance in
the agonies of death.

She could not in her heart refuse that favour to a friend and Christian
she had so compassionately bestowed upon so many enemies and infidels,
and therefore drew near with the sovereign remedy, which she had already
administered with such success. As she approached this deplorable object
of pity, her ears were surprised with an ejaculation in the English
tongue, which he fervently pronounced, though with a weak and languid
voice, recommending his soul to God, and his family to the protection of
Heaven. Our Amazon's purpose was staggered by this providential
incident; the sound of her native language, so unexpectedly heard, and so
pathetically delivered, had a surprising effect upon her imagination; and
the faculty of reflection did not forsake her in such emergency. Though
she could not recollect the features of this unhappy officer, she
concluded, from his appearance, that he was some person of distinction in
the service, and foresaw greater advantage to herself in attempting to
preserve his life, than she could possibly reap from the execution of her
first resolve. "If," said she to herself, "I can find means of conveying
him to his tent alive, he cannot but in conscience acknowledge my
humanity with some considerable recompense; and, should he chance to
survive his wounds, I have everything to expect from his gratitude and
power."

Fraught with these prudential suggestions, she drew near the unfortunate
stranger, and, in a softened accent of pity and condolence, questioned
him concerning his name, condition, and the nature of his mischance, at
the same time making a gentle tender of her service. Agreeably surprised
to hear himself accosted in such a manner, by a person whose equipage
seemed to promise far other designs, he thanked her in the most grateful
terms for her humanity, with the appellation of kind countrywoman; gave
her to understand that he was colonel of a regiment of horse; that he had
fallen in consequence of a shot he received in his breast at the
beginning of the action; and, finally, entreated her to procure some
carriage on which he might be removed to his tent. Perceiving him faint
and exhausted with loss of blood, she raised up his head, and treated him
with that cordial which was her constant companion. At that instant,
espying a small body of hussars returning to the camp with the plunder
they had taken, she invoked their assistance, and they forthwith carried
the officer to his own quarters, where his wound was dressed, and his
preserver carefully tended him until his recovery was completed.

In return for these good offices, this gentleman, who was originally of
Scotland, rewarded her for the present with great liberality, assured her
of his influence in promoting her husband, and took upon himself the
charge of young Ferdinand's education; the boy was immediately taken into
his protection, and entered as a trooper in his own regiment; but his
good intentions towards his father-in-law were frustrated by the death of
the German, who, in a few days after this disposition, was shot in the
trenches before Temiswaer.

This event, over and above the conjugal affliction with which it invaded
the lady's quiet, would have involved her in infinite difficulty and
distress, with regard to her temporal concerns, by leaving her
unprotected in the midst of strangers, had not she been thus
providentially supplied with an effectual patron in the colonel, who was
known by the appellation of Count Melvil. He no sooner saw her, by the
death of her husband, detached from all personal connexions with a
military life, than he proposed that she should quit her occupation in
the camp, and retire to his habitation in the city of Presburg, where she
would be entertained in ease and plenty during the remaining part of her
natural life. With all due acknowledgments of his generosity, she begged
to be excused from embracing his proposal, alleging she was so much
accustomed to her present way of life, and so much devoted to the service
of the soldiery, that she should never be happy in retirement, while the
troops of any prince in Christendom kept the field.

The Count, finding her determined to prosecute her scheme, repeated his
promise of befriending her upon all occasions; and in the meantime
admitted Ferdinand into the number of his domestics, resolving that he
should be brought up in attendance upon his own son, who was a boy of the
same age. He kept him, however, in his tent, until he should have an
opportunity of revisiting his family in person; and, before that occasion
offered, two whole years elapsed, during which the illustrious Prince
Eugene gained the celebrated battle of Belgrade, and afterwards made
himself master of that important frontier.

CHAPTER FOUR

HIS MOTHER'S PROWESS AND DEATH; TOGETHER WITH SOME INSTANCES OF HIS OWN
SAGACITY.

It would have been impossible for the mother of our adventurer, such as
she hath been described, to sit quietly in her tent, while such an heroic
scene was acting. She was no sooner apprised of the general's intention
to attack the enemy, than she, as usual, packed up her moveables in a
waggon, which she committed to the care of a peasant in the
neighbourhood, and put herself in motion with the troops; big with the
expectation of re-acting that part in which she had formerly acquitted
herself so much to her advantage.--Nay, she by this time looked upon her
own presence as a certain omen of success to the cause which she
espoused; and, in their march to battle, actually encouraged the ranks
with repeated declarations, importing, that she had been eye-witness of
ten decisive engagements, in all of which her friends had been
victorious, and imputing such uncommon good fortune to some supernatural
quality inherent in her person.

Whether or not this confidence contributed to the fortune of the day, by
inspiring the soldiers to an uncommon pitch of courage and resolution, I
shall not pretend to determine. But, certain it is, the victory began
from that quarter in which she had posted herself; and no corps in the
army behaved with such intrepidity as that which was manifested by those
who were favoured with her admonitions and example; for she not only
exposed her person to the enemy's fire, with the indifference and
deliberation of a veteran, but she is said to have achieved a very
conspicuous exploit by the prowess of her single arm. The extremity of
the line to which she had attached herself, being assaulted in flank by a
body of the spahis, wheeled about, in order to sustain the charge, and
received them with such a seasonable fire, as brought a great number of
turbans to the ground; among those who fell, was one of the chiefs or
agas, who had advanced before the rest, with a view to signalise his
valour.

Our English Penthesilea no sooner saw this Turkish leader drop, than,
struck with the magnificence of his own and horse's trappings, she sprung
forward to seize them as her prize, and found the aga not dead, though in
a good measure disabled by his misfortune, which was entirely owing to
the weight of his horse, that, having been killed by a musket-ball, lay
upon his leg, so that he could not disengage himself. Nevertheless,
perceiving the virago approach with fell intent, he brandished his
symitar, and tried to intimidate his assailant with a most horrible
exclamation; but it was not the dismal yell of a dismounted cavalier,
though enforced with a hideous ferocity of countenance, and the menacing
gestures with which he waited her approach, that could intimidate such an
undaunted she-campaigner; she saw him writhing in the agonies of a
situation from which he could not move; and, running towards him with the
nimbleness and intrepidity of a Camilla, described a semicircle in the
progress of her assault, and attacking him on one side, plunged her
well-tried dagger in his throat. The shades of death encompassed him,
his life-blood issued at the wound, he fell prone upon the earth, he bit
the dust, and having thrice invoked the name of Allah! straight expired.

While his destiny was thus fulfilled, his followers began to reel; they
seemed dismayed at the fate of their chief, beheld their companions drop
like the leaves in autumn, and suddenly halted in the midst of their
career. The Imperialists, observing the confusion of the enemy,
redoubled their fire; and, raising a dreadful shout, advanced in order to
improve the advantage they had gained. The spahis durst not wait the
shock of such an encounter; they wheeled to the right-about, and clapping
spurs to their horses, fled in the utmost disorder. This was actually
the circumstance that turned the scale of battle. The Austrians pursued
their good fortune with uncommon impetuosity, and in a few minutes left
the field clear for the mother of our hero, who was such an adept in the
art of stripping, that in the twinkling of an eye the bodies of the aga
and his Arabian lay naked to the skin. It would have been happy for her,
had she been contented with these first-fruits, reaped from the fortune
of the day, and retired with her spoils, which were not inconsiderable;
but, intoxicated with the glory she had won, enticed by the glittering
caparisons that lay scattered on the plain, and without doubt prompted by
the secret instinct of her fate, she resolved to seize opportunity by the
forelock, and once for all indemnify herself for the many fatigues,
hazards, and sorrows she had undergone.

Thus determined, she reconnoitred the field, and practised her address so
successfully, that in less than half an hour she was loaded with ermine
and embroidery, and disposed to retreat with her burden, when her regards
were solicited by a splendid bundle, which she descried at some distance
lying on the ground. This was no other than an unhappy officer of
hussars; who, after having the good fortune to take a Turkish standard,
was desperately wounded in the thigh, and obliged to quit his horse;
finding himself in such a helpless condition, he had wrapped his
acquisition round his body, that whatever might happen, he and his glory
should not be parted; and thus shrouded, among the dying and the dead, he
had observed the progress of our heroine, who stalked about the field,
like another Atropos, finishing, wherever she came, the work of death.
He did not at all doubt, that he himself would be visited in the course
of her peregrinations, and therefore provided for her reception, with a
pistol ready cocked in his hand, while he lay perdue beneath his covert,
in all appearance bereft of life. He was not deceived in his prognostic;
she no sooner eyed the golden crescent than, inflamed with curiosity or
cupidity, she directed thitherward her steps, and discerning the carcase
of a man, from which, she thought, there would be a necessity for
disengaging it, she lifted up her weapon, in order to make sure of her
purchase; and in the very instant of discharging her blow, received a
brace of bullets in her brain.

Thus ended the mortal pilgrimage of this modern Amazon; who, in point of
courage, was not inferior to Semiramis, Tomyris, Zenobia, Thalestris, or
any boasted heroine of ancient times. It cannot be supposed that this
catastrophe made a very deep impression upon the mind of young Ferdinand,
who had just then attained the ninth year of his age, and been for a
considerable time weaned from her maternal caresses; especially as he
felt no wants nor grievances in the family of the Count, who favoured him
with a particular share of indulgence, because he perceived in him a
spirit of docility, insinuation, and sagacity, far above his years. He
did not, however, fail to lament the untimely fate of his mother, with
such filial expressions of sorrow, as still more intimately recommended
him to his patron; who, being himself a man of extraordinary benevolence,
looked upon the boy as a prodigy of natural affection, and foresaw in his
future services a fund of gratitude and attachment, that could not fail
to render him a valuable acquisition to his family.

In his own country, he had often seen connexions of that sort, which
having been planted in the infancy of the adherent, had grown up to a
surprising pitch of fidelity and friendship, that no temptation could
bias, and no danger dissolve. He therefore rejoiced in the hope of
seeing his own son accommodated with such a faithful attendant, in the
person of young Fathom, on whom he resolved to bestow the same education
he had planned for the other, though conveyed in such a manner as should
be suitable to the sphere in which he was ordained to move. In
consequence of these determinations, our young adventurer led a very easy
life, in quality of page to the Count, in whose tent he lay upon a
pallet, close to his field-bed, and often diverted him with his childish
prattle in the English tongue, which the more seldom his master had
occasion to speak, he the more delighted to hear. In the exercise of his
function, the boy was incredibly assiduous and alert; far from neglecting
the little particulars of his duty, and embarking in the mischievous
amusements of the children belonging to the camp, he was always diligent,
sedate, agreeably officious and anticipating; and in the whole of his
behaviour seemed to express the most vigilant sense of his patron's
goodness and generosity; nay, to such a degree had these sentiments, in
all appearance, operated upon his reflection, that one morning, while he
supposed the Count asleep, he crept softly to his bedside, and gently
kissing his hand, which happened to be uncovered, pronounced, in a low
voice, a most fervent prayer in his behalf, beseeching Heaven to shower
down blessings upon him, as the widow's friend and the orphan's father.
This benediction was not lost upon the Count, who chanced to be awake,
and heard it with admiration; but what riveted Ferdinand in his good
graces, was a discovery that our youth made, while his master was upon
duty in the trenches before Belgrade.

Two foot soldiers, standing sentry near the door of the tent, were
captivated with the sight of some valuable moveables belonging to it; and
supposing, in their great wisdom, that the city of Belgrade was too well
fortified to be taken during that campaign, they came to a resolution of
withdrawing themselves from the severe service of the trenches, by
deserting to the enemy, after they should have rifled Count Melvil's tent
of the furniture by which they were so powerfully allured. The
particulars of this plan were concerted in the French language, which,
they imagined, would screen them from all risk of being detected, in case
they should be overheard, though, as there was no living creature in
sight, they had no reason to believe that any person was privy to their
conversation. Nevertheless, they were mistaken in both these
conjectures. The conference reached the ears of Fathom, who was at the
other end of the tent, and had perceived the eager looks with which they
considered some parts of the furniture. He had penetration enough to
suspect their desire, and, alarmed by that suspicion, listened
attentively to their discourse; which, from a slender knowledge in the
French tongue, he had the good fortune partly to understand.

This important piece of intelligence he communicated to the Count at his
return, and measures were immediately taken to defeat the design, and
make an example of the authors, who being permitted to load themselves
with the booty, were apprehended in their retreat, and punished with
death according to their demerits.

CHAPTER FIVE

A BRIEF DETAIL OF HIS EDUCATION.

Nothing could have more seasonably happened to confirm the good opinion
which the colonel entertained of Ferdinand's principles. His intentions
towards the boy grew every day more and more warm; and, immediately after
the peace of Passarowitz, he retired to his own house at Presburg, and
presented young Fathom to his lady, not only as the son of a person to
whom he owed his life, but also as a lad who merited his peculiar
protection and regard by his own personal virtue. The Countess, who was
an Hungarian, received him with great kindness and affability, and her
son was ravished with the prospect of enjoying such a companion. In
short, fortune seemed to have provided for him an asylum, in which he
might be safely trained up, and suitably prepared for more important
scenes of life than any of his ancestors had ever known.

He was not, in all respects, entertained on the footing of his young
master; yet he shared in all his education and amusements, as one whom
the old gentleman was fully determined to qualify for the station of an
officer in the service; and, if he did not eat with the Count, he was
every day regaled with choice bits from his table; holding, as it were, a
middle place between the rank of a relation and favourite domestic.
Although his patron maintained a tutor in the house, to superintend the
conduct of his heir, he committed the charge of his learning to the
instructions of a public school; where he imagined the boy would imbibe a
laudable spirit of emulation among his fellows, which could not fail of
turning out to the advantage of his education. Ferdinand was entered in
the same academy; and the two lads proceeded equally in the paths of
erudition; a mutual friendship and intimacy soon ensued, and,
notwithstanding the levity and caprice commonly discernible in the
behaviour of such boys, very few or rather no quarrels happened in the
course of their communication. Yet their dispositions were altogether
different, and their talents unlike. Nay, this dissimilarity was the
very bond of their union; because it prevented that jealousy and
rivalship which often interrupts the harmony of two warm contemporaries.

The young Count made extraordinary progress in the exercises of the
school, though he seemed to take very little pains in the cultivation of
his studies; and became a perfect hero in all the athletic diversions of
his fellow-scholars; but, at the same time, exhibited such a bashful
appearance and uncouth address, that his mother despaired of ever seeing
him improved into any degree of polite behaviour. On the other hand,
Fathom, who was in point of learning a mere dunce, became, even in his
childhood, remarkable among the ladies for his genteel deportment and
vivacity; they admired the proficiency he made under the directions of
his dancing-master, the air with which he performed his obeisance at his
entrance and exit; and were charmed with the agreeable assurance and
lively sallies of his conversation; while they expressed the utmost
concern and disgust at the boorish demeanour of his companion, whose
extorted bows resembled the pawings of a mule, who hung his head in
silence like a detected sheep-stealer, who sat in company under the most
awkward expressions of constraint, and whose discourse never exceeded the
simple monosyllables of negation and assent.