Chapter 3

But I will remark
that the Sun in his human guises is not to be considered a beneficial
example to young men at a stage in the history of mankind when maidens
are no longer able to transform themselves into umbrageous laurels, thus
rendering impertinent and inconvenient what at first seemed appropriate
and inevitable. I allude, sir, to the legend of Apollo and Madam Daphne.
However, my dear Charles--" here the Beau laid three tapered jewelled
fingers upon the extremity of Mr. Lovely's left shoulder.

"You overwhelm me, sir, with your condescension. The omission of the
surname by Beau Ripple, is the bestowal of a title."

"Very well put, Charles," said the older man contentedly. "'Fore Gad!
you do me credit. Snuff, sir?"

Charles (we may follow the lead of Mr. Ripple) was now veritably
astonished. Never could he recall such an instance of the Beau's
condescension towards a man of his years; and he dipped his fingers into
the proffered snuff-box with greater bashfulness than he would have
displayed towards the powder-box of Titania.

"However, though the rest of our young gentlemen are--after maids," the
Beau stumbled over the crudity of the phrase, "I am happy to see that
you are engrossed by the seemlier pastime of horticulture." Was it fancy
or did Charles really see his mentor blow a tuft of swansdown from his
cuff? "I wish," the latter went on, "to remonstrate with you on the
indecorous character of your midnight entertainments. Owls, under
providence, are allowed to shriek and hoot after sundown, but there
seems no reason for extending to men the privilege accorded by a Divine
Creator to owls. In short, Mr. Lovely, there has been the--there has
been an atrocious hurly-burly in this house every night of late. Pray do
not interrupt me," he added as Charles made a protesting movement. "I
have the fullest Data for my general observations."

"Youth, dear Beau, hot-headed, open-handed Youth."

"Yes, yes, I know something of Youth's anatomy from a personal
experience of the happy state, but Youth, Mr. Lovely, is a mighty
inadequate justification for a circular scar on the forehead of one of
our most respected and silver-tongued watchmen--a scar inflicted by the
unconsumed but necessary concomitant of a quart of Burgundy."

"It was an accident, sir, young Tom Chalkley of the Foot----"

"I have observed, Mr. Lovely, that if one of these missiles happens to
strike the body against which it is aimed the result is invariably an
accident whereas if the missile goes wide of the mark it is a d----d
poor shot. But it cannot go on, Mr. Lovely. It shall not go on. The
residents acting in conjunction with the visitors reserve the right to
expel summarily any person who causes publick offence, and I, as their
accredited representative, should be in the highest degree culpable if I
allowed it to go on. Consequently, my dear Charles, I appeal to you as
to one possessed of some influence over the more violent spirits, to do
all in your power of persuasion to prevent it from going on."

Now as the successful quart bottle had been thrown by our hero, and as
he was usually the chief agent in promoting a disturbance, it is evident
that Mr. Ripple secured his unparalleled authority as much by tact as by
severity.

"Dear Beau, you shall be obliged," said Charles, "and now pray tell me
who wears a white swansdown tippet and lives hard by the Great House."

"I am not accustomed to observe the minor variations in feminine
costume," answered Mr. Ripple with some austerity.

"Nay! But a hermit froze to his psalter must have noticed her,"
protested the younger man.

"The analogy is incomplete."

"I shall be at the Assembly on Monday night."

"You could not be more worthily employed."

"And I shall effect an introduction under your patronage."

"That very much depends."

"On my good behaviour?" asked Charles.

"On the immunity of my watchmen from further assaults."

"Dear Beau, we are all targets of a--" he hesitated, "of a dimpled
nudity or an empty bottle. Love and a bottle, there's the world."

"The flesh, I think, sir."

"I 'faith, Satan must have a fine sieve if he can separate the pair."

"I am no theologian."

"Then you'll present me?" persisted Charles.

"You will protect my watchmen?" demanded the Beau.

"On Monday night?" urged Charles.

"Every night," added the Beau. "Unconditional surrender is my ultimatum.
But I hope I know how to display generosity towards a vanquished enemy.
You will attend the Publick Breakfast awarded to Sir Jeremy Dummer?"

"Truly I----"

"Tut, tut, I insist. My old friend Lord Cinderton arrives to-day with
his invalid son, George Harthe-Brusshe. I should like the young man to
see your cherry and trout-pink cuffs."

"Too unseasonable a combination of colours for breakfast."

"Pshaw! your appearance will give a fillip to his impoverished
appetite."

"I 'faith, I believe I know how to flavour my conversation with Attick
salt, but I swear I never dressed myself for the Role of condiment."

The conversation was soon entirely of sauces.

_Chapter the Fourth_

CURTAIN MAZE

The Maze at Curtain Wells was always considered one of the principal
sights of the place. Holding this reputation, it was naturally the least
frequented. Visitors either went there the second day after their
arrival or scuttled round it with a competent escort in the twenty-four
hours that preceded their departure. But since no one went there twice
and since all the visitors and residents of the Wells were perfectly
familiar with the various shrines, its invariable emptiness may easily
be apprehended. In summer the gardens of which it was a feature were
thronged at the fashionable hours. There was also a Rotunda similar to
if less grandiose than the famous Rotunda at Ranelagh Garden. This had
not long been in existence, and was only used for balls and masquerades
through May and June, when the Maze was spangled with lamps for the
delight of the dancers. Even so, very few availed themselves of the
shelter of its yew-hedges and always spent the rest of the evening in
trying to find their way out, being lucky if they succeeded in making a
somewhat ruffled appearance during the last Cotillon.

To Curtain Garden went Miss Phyllida Courteen and Madam Betty her maid:
to Curtain Garden they were going when they passed Mr. Charles Lovely at
the coffee-room window.

Betty belonged to a type of womanhood that grows with age, increased fat
and pursiness, into a nurse such as Mr. Shakespeare drew in _Romeo and
Juliet_. If she had been brought up in a disreputable purlieu of the
town, she would have become a personally chaste procuress but, nurtured
among the buttercups, she merely had a perpetual desire to see her
pretty young mistress aflame through the careless progress of some gay
spark or other. Whatever there was of passion in her meadow-born soul
fed itself on objective embraces. She was never a maid for a
kissing-gate at long shadow time, but when she saw Phyllida's heart
flutter with quick emotion before the approach of Mr. Vernon, a
primitive phrenzy set her cheeks aglow and fired her eyes to a livelier
blue. She adored her mistress with a precocious maternity but,
paradoxically enough, without any of the mother's jealousy of a lover
near to his possession. Vernon with his pale face and slightly sinister
demeanour had caught her fancy. 'Let him mate with my pretty one,' she
would say to herself, 'blossom of apple looks most rare and sweet under
a grey sky of clouds.' It was this anxiety to provide a physical match
for Phyllida which had led her to encourage Vernon's addresses, and her
mistress to pay heed to his vows. Her greatest delight was to stand,
watching against interruption, in the next alley to the lovers. Here she
would thrill her imagination with the thought of frail and timid fingers
in the clasp of a strong white hand. The sudden interposition of Mr.
Lovely vexed her. Certainly he was handsome enough, but too much of a
piece with Phyllida; they might have been brother and sister. Moreover,
he was always laughing.

"A man who always laughs is as bad as a dog who always wags his tail.
Neither is fit for a maid," she grumbled to Phyllida as they stepped
briskly along beneath the tall poplars that fringed the road leading to
the entrance of Curtain Garden.

"Truly I vow he has a romantick air," protested Phyllida.

"La! what's romantick? 'Tis no more than reading a book on the shady
side of the street." Betty tossed a contemptuous head.

"Indeed, Betty, I think 'tis a great deal more than that. To be
romantick, child, is to have a noble heart, and to have a noble
heart----"

"'Is to lead the Venite on a Sunday morning," interrupted the maid.

"No! 'tis not."

"Well! 'tes to kneel very obstreperous."

"'Tis no such a thing," said Phyllida, stamping on the pavement.

By this time, they had reached the famous wrought-iron gates of the
principal entrance, where an old man in an enormous three-cornered hat
and long heavily laced surtout walked up and down. Sometimes he would
stop and, over gnarled hands twisted round the ivory crook of his cane,
stare fiercely at the stamped effigies of AEsculapius and Flora while he
addressed the presiding deities in a wheezy monotone.

"Curtain Garden! Curtain Garden! Lads and lasses, ye'll grow old. Fit
for maids is Curtain Garden." Thus having droned a warning to Olympus,
he would resume his walk.

In two months the broad gravelled path which he guarded would be
thronged by the Exquisite Mob, but at present his only audience on fine
days was composed of Phyllida and Betty. On wet days, when not even they
ventured out, he would sit in a little pagoda whence every few minutes
he would pop out his head, and in the same wheezy monotone lament 'Rain!
Rain! on the windowpane!' and retire as abruptly as a cuckoo that has
told the hour.

With this aged janitor Phyllida used to have a daily conversation which
never varied by a single letter.

"Nobody in the garden this morning?"

"Not a soul nor a body, young miss."

"Are you better of your cold?"

"Very much worse."

As Phyllida used to tell Betty when they had left the gateway behind
them, 'he must be very ill indeed because he has been very much worse
every day.'

This customary conversation interrupted the argument over Mr. Lovely's
romantick character of mind, and when they turned down the path which
led to the Maze all discussion went to the wind at the prospect of again
seeing her dear Amor.

Vernon had met Phyllida in the Maze but a bare two weeks ago. It
happened to be his first visit to the Wells, and he was in the act of
being solemnly lost when he accosted her for direction. Betty had
encouraged the chance acquaintanceship and Mr. Vernon, who was tired of
the mechanick Dryads of Vauxhall, embarked upon a new pleasure. The
natural secretiveness of his disposition led him to adopt Amor as a
fantastick pseudonym, and neither Betty nor Phyllida had troubled
themselves to inquire farther into his antecedents. Indeed, it would
have puzzled them to do so, for he had but lately appeared at the Pump
Room in response to Phyllida's earnest entreaty, and absolutely refused
to meet her at the Assembly Rooms. Consequently, had she felt inclined
to indulge a suspicion, there was no one to whom she could appeal except
perhaps Beau Ripple: and he, of course, was not to be thought of in
connection with so trivial a matter.

You will recollect that Vernon's toilet of this morning was considerably
perturbed by the image of Phyllida. Over his coffee he had reviewed the
situation with great contempt for himself.

To begin with, he had moved into lodgings opposite his charmer's abode.
What foolish enthusiasm! worthy of a stripling of sixteen, as he told
himself. Then he had seriously contemplated matrimony. To be sure, he
had made a few cautious inquiries and heard it stated on good authority
that she was an heiress, but odds his life! was that enough to make him
commit himself irreparably. He was jaded, and the rustick seclusion (so
he characterized the Wells!) had affected his head. A boarding-school
miss with gawky tendencies--a boarding-school miss with the smile of a
young nymph--a boarding-school miss with little fingers that tugged the
manhood--the weariness--out of his heart! It was impossible. His friends
would sneer unmercifully, and he would settle in the country as he had
often wished, and by heavens! he would seek her mother's consent. Pshaw!
the chit would become more insipid than ever, more delightful, more
enthralling, more utterly subjugating. Z----ds! what an impetuous fool
he would be considered. No! No! country misses were very well in the
country, and might bear transplantation for a season, but London
bough-pots should be renewed every Spring. Meanwhile the affair was
progressing very well, and if he could pluck a pigeon or two--there were
always pigeons in the country--why a Summer in town--and after that--why
after that--meanwhile his coffee was growing cold.

But when he saw her radiance among the dark hedges of yew, all his
cynical plans withered away, and it would have taken mighty little to
transform the libertine into as honest a lover as ever galloped across
the horizon of a romantick imagination. What grace! What charm! What
movement! What colour! It was incredible she would ever grow old. He
rose from the stone seat in the heart of the Maze and saluted her with a
sculptured bow.

"That's true romantick," whispered Betty. "See him bow, see him stand up
tall and white like a great wax candle."

The swansdown tippet rose and fell to the beating of the eager heart
beneath.

"My charmer takes the sun like a flower," said Mr. Vernon, bending over
her hand.

Betty's eyes were a very quick and fiery blue as she turned away to her
post, and, indeed, the scene would have ravished a block.

Never were yews so dark and velvety, so full of whispered secrets, as
the gentle wind stirred their crisped leaves continually. In a silence
made by cushions of moss set with many green stars that muffled every
footstep, the stone image of Cupid, poised upon his damp-stained
pedestal caught from the February sunlight the veritable bloom and
semblance of divinity.

Vernon, as he led Phyllida to the seat and saw her eyes flash over the
swansdown muff, was sure that such beauty must capture something of the
permanence expressed by the statue and remain for ever young, for ever
provocative of desire.

High over their heads a flight of pigeons circled against the azure,
gathered and broke into a scattered multitude of snowy wings whose
fluttering echoes travelled along the sunlight to the sombre heart of
the Maze.

The simple grace with which Phyllida seated herself held Vernon
entranced. He could have sworn that the stone wings of the Cupid
trembled faintly as if, animate and inanimate, the whole world stood
ready to scale the empyrean. Blinded by an ecstasy of hope, the man
forgot himself, discarded the mean ambitions that for so long had guided
his actions, and conceived the idea of a fresher existence. Great
moments, like great men, have a solitary life, and there was nothing in
Phyllida to respond to the fire which he had waked from a pile of ashes.
Actually she was wondering whether her dear Amor had remembered
Valentine day, whether, indeed, his burning gaze was a prelude to the
offer of a trinket.

"'Tis surely a pleasant Valentine morning," she murmured screwing up her
eyes to the sun.

Vernon cursed the want of practice with young misses which had let him
forget what every fair esteemed a man's sacred duty. However, he was a
resourceful gentleman and, without any perceptible hesitation, produced
from his pocket a paste brooch cut to the likeness of a basket of
twinkling blue forget-me-nots.

The history of this little ornament possesses enough irony to warrant a
short digression. It used to hang in the window of a Midland toy-shop,
and had made a pretty birthday gift from a young man deep in love to his
betrothed. She wore it in her kerchief for ten years and sent it at last
to her lover in London with some other trinkets not very valuable, but
all of the same fresh beauty. At the bottom of the packet was a faded
sprig of whitethorn. The young gentleman--not quite so young now--opened
it as a London dawn empearled the city smoke. It had lain all day in his
room neglected while the dice-box rattled like a skeleton at the feast
of Love--a feast of pimps and blowsy carmine furies. The contents of the
packet went with the last of his guineas, and at the division of the
stake Mr. Vernon contemptuously accepted the brooch. The latter never
troubled himself to take the ornament out of his pocket. Now once more
it came back to Youth and Beauty.

As she pinned it to her kerchief, Phyllida thanked him for his sweet
thoughtfulness, and wondered if he would always remember this morning.

By this time, Vernon had clambered down from his mountain top. Perhaps
the brooch made his descent more easy. Yet I think he was sincere when
he swore he would never forget.

Anyway Phyllida believed him and so there is nothing more to be said.

"When we are wed," she began, and startled him with such an abrupt
disclosure of her dreams. "When we are wed, I think we will live in Hyde
Park. Where is Hyde Park?"

"On the confines of Kensington, my dear."

"Yes, but where is Kensington?"

"A mile or so Westward of Temple Bar."

"I think we will live in Kensington."

"Nay, prithee! would you have us die of dullness."

"Is Kensington dull?"

"'Tis very rustick. No! my charmer shall lodge in the Haymarket."

Phyllida pouted. There was a Haymarket in the country town to which she
made an occasional visit from the little village of Newton Candover, and
she remembered it as a dusty spot not fit for a new pair of shoes.

"I vow I should detest the Haymarket."

"Nay, 'tis the gayest place, with hackney coaches passing to and fro all
day. You shall sit at your window and all the fine ladies of rank and
fashion will envy you."

"And what will my Amor be doing?"

"He will be looking over his angel's shoulder."

"Then they'll envy me more than ever," said Phyllida with a contented
laugh. Vernon pressed her hand and looked round quickly as a man will
before he attempts the first kiss. But Phyllida drew back.

"What shall we do when we are tired of sitting at the windows--if one
could ever tire of anything so pleasant," she added with a sigh.

"We'll call a hackney-coach and drive to Westminster Steps, to the
river."

"To the river? Now that will be most diverting."

"And we'll hail the waterman with the most elegant wherry, and row up
through the dusk to Vauxhall."

Phyllida was staring at him with the round eyes of a child who listens
to an old fairy-tale.

"Then what should we do?" she asked earnestly.

"We should choose a box for two and sit with our elbows over a very
small table and look at each other just as we are looking now."

"Yes! go on," cried Phyllida clapping her hands.

"Then we should call for chicken-wings and eat our supper and listen to
the new song and the musick of the orchestra playing the finest tunes
high up among a thousand sparkling coloured lamps and watch the
masqueraders and row back to Westminster under a great moon."

Mr. Vernon was so much inspired by the interest of his listener that he
began to believe in the reality of this proposed idyll, quite forgetting
that it was a chastened account of a hundred similar adventures enjoyed
with the domino passion of a night.

"Vauxhall must be the properest place in the world," sighed Phyllida, "I
doubt everybody wears their jewels."

"Everybody," replied her lover with a quick glance.

"I should wear my pearls."

"Your pearls?"

"My necklace that was left by Grandmother Courteen. Mamma won't let me
wear it till I'm one-and-twenty."

"But supposing you ran away?"

"Oh I should never dare. I should be frightened."

Vernon changed the subject, perceiving at present the courtship was
nothing more serious than a Springtime diversion.

He told himself if the child surrendered to his blandishments, it would
be an easy matter to induce her to run away. He must weave a strong web
of personal attraction round her, and if her prudence sustained her to
the end, why perhaps he might commit himself to a serious offer of
marriage. He must inquire further into her fortune. He wished it were
not so difficult to put an arm round her waist. Innocence was very well
and the prospect of a siege amusing enough at first, but a long deferred
capitulation would be immensely fatiguing; and yet how charming she was.
Not for anything would he have her different.

"When we are wed," he began and for the first time echoed her lately
expressed hopes. In some way he felt that she would be to blame, if harm
came of it. She had given the cue.

"When we are wed, we shall go to routs."

"But we shall be old and wise and able to go then. It won't be near so
diverting then as 'twould be now--if you came to the Assemblies."

"My angel forgets the risque of discovery."

"There could be no more danger in that than there is in sitting here in
the Maze."

"Come!"

"I'm sure if we were prudent nobody would suspect us of a love-affair."

"But consider my ardour. 'Twould illuminate the whole matter."

"Well! and if the old maids did talk, they would only talk into their
teacups and every one knows that to be monstrous ungenteel behaviour.
Lud! I've been censured before. Why, when I was but sixteen I was the
talk of the ballroom because I stepped four gavottes with Dicky
Combleton, Squire Combleton's youngest son. Every one said I was a
forward minx, and he's only a year older than me and that's only last
year." Phyllida became very indignant, and Mr. Vernon who lacked humour
became very indignant too at being compared to a bumpkin.

"Surely my angel sees the circumstances are slightly altered?"

He clasped her hand, and stroked it slowly, but she was not to be
pacified and drew it away.

"For my part, I don't know how you dare say you care for my reputation
and sit here holding my hand. Walls have ears and hedges have eyes."

"You would not withdraw your hand if you were sure we were not
observed?"

She made no reply.

"Possibly," he went on, "you would let me kiss those sweet lips to a
smile--if we were not observed?"

"Indeed, I vow you should never do anything so indelicate."

"Z----ds! my pretty Puritan----" he stopped because Phyllida's eyes
were very wide open indeed.

"Oh Sir! no one but a father or a very old man has the right to swear so
dreadfully before a maid."

He laughed.

"So oaths depend on age for their propriety? I 'faith that's a new maxim
I've learned this morning. After all, my Phyllida, I am fifteen years
older than you."

"That may be," she retorted primly, "and I have often wondered whether I
should allow a man of middle-age to make love to me."

Vernon wrinkled with annoyance at such a description. He certainly
lacked humour.

"But then, you see, I am in love with you, and not marrying you because
our estates join like my cousin Clarice who, we all agreed, was old
enough to know better."

"Young enough, you mean. Morality rusts with the years."

"I don't know what you are talking about, but it sounds like a text."

"It is a text, my dear, the text of the man of the world."

"I hate texts, but I don't hate goodness and you must promise never,
never to swear again, and--never, never to try to kiss me."

"Not even when we are wed?"

"That's another matter."

"Perhaps when you are old and wise and able to kiss you won't like
kissing."

"Oh! I protest, I should like it vastly," said Phyllida with great
decision.

"But if you have never made the attempt?"

"A young woman knows by instinct."

"But why won't you make sure in advance?"

"Because 'tis imprudent and wicked."

"For my part, I believe you are playing with me."

And then began a long argument which settled nothing at all and, after
ten minutes, left matters precisely where they started.

What Vernon said in jest was in essence perfectly true but unfortunately
he was too vain and she was too young to believe it; for if potential
Phyllida knew very well she would not expire if her dear Amor vanished
for ever, actual Phyllida who was much younger and far more obstinate
was equally sure that a gradual decline into an interesting consumption
would be the natural result of such a calamity; while potential Vernon
who was anxious to prove himself a very fine fellow was very
contemptuous of actual Vernon and not at all willing to admit he would
find more than sufficient compensation for the loss of his Phyllida in
the ample charms of Miss Diana Flashington of the Theatre Royal, Drury
Lane.

And this is the way a large number of world-shaking passions begin,
since at first we seldom apprehend our potentiality.

The quarrel was interrupted by the sound of approaching voices just as
Betty came flying round the corner with the news that "Mr. Thomas and
your mamma be coming as fast as legs can carry 'em this way as ever is."

The implication of a rapid advance is to be understood merely as
relative to their usual rate of procedure.

In an instant all was confusion. Miss Courteen wrung her hands and
behaved quite as wildly as a grand married lady on the verge of
discovery in an ambiguous situation below stairs. Mr. Vernon flicked a
number of invisible specks of dust from his purple sattin breeches as
though he had been kneeling in devout protestation of honourable love
for the past hour, while Betty ran in turn to each of the four alleys
leading to their present position, and put a hand to an attentive ear.
She quickly ascertained by which path the enemy was advancing and
without more ado pushed Mr. Vernon hastily in the opposite direction,
thrust a tambour frame into her mistress's hands and composed herself to
spell aloud the Agricultural Calendar and Farmer's Assistant for the
current year. She was in the middle of some astonishing statisticks of
the comparative productiveness per acre of turnips and mangel-wurzels
when Mrs. Courteen followed by the majestick Thomas appeared upon the
scene. On perceiving her daughter, the latter gave a faint scream and
declared the meeting would certainly produce palpitations.

At the utterance of this fatal word, Thomas immediately unscrewed the
knob of his cane and drew forth a bottle of salts, Phyllida performed
the same conjuring trick with her bag, while Betty after some
lace-involved rites in which a crimson garter played a prominent part
offered a third bottle not more than a moment later. By the tonick
influence of several sniffs Mrs. Courteen was sufficiently revived to
ask in a stern voice what Phyllida was doing in this ungodly place.
Thomas accompanied the query by muttering 'Canaanites' several times in
quick succession under his breath. What the commentary was intended to
imply no one knew; but there was a general belief that the footman
symbolized states of mind, people and actions of which he disapproved,
by the various hostile tribes encountered by the Israelites during their
wanderings.

Phyllida assured her mother she was working a peacock in blue and
scarlet wool for the seat of a chair, and when Mrs. Courteen demanded
why she was not sitting on her own balcony, for the privilege of
possessing which she paid an additional five-and-sixpence a week in
rent, the daughter protested the East wind chapped her ankles.

"Chaps your ankles, miss? What d'ye mean by chaps your ankles? At your
age, I didn't know I had ankles. Woollen hose was what I wore, and I
should have been whipped if I had ever dared to think my ankles were not
as thick as marrowbones."

Phyllida begged her dear mamma's pardon and hoped to be forgiven, but
could not help remarking the sun was so warm that she had felt quite
positive her dear mamma would be pleased to see her take the air.

"Twas very unkind of you," complained the widow, "to presume so far on
my acknowledged indulgence of your whims. You know the miserable state
of my health compels me to sip several glasses of the waters after
breakfast, and seize the lamentable opportunity to deceive your too
confiding parent. How am I to know you have not been sitting in this
heathen nook for days in succession?"

Again the footman muttered 'Canaanites! Canaanites!' As this was exactly
where Phyllida had been sitting for days in succession, she looked
immensely shocked by the question.

"Well! well," said Mrs. Courteen as if resigned to her daughter's
iniquity, "go home and pray that you may become a more dutiful child."

Thomas murmured a low Amen and earned for his devotion a derisive and
ribald gesture from Betty.

"Aren't you coming too, mamma?"

"No, miss, I am not coming; I must rest myself and compose my mind and
soothe my feelings.