Chapter 1

I must say I didn't get much excited at first over this Marion Gray
tragedy. You see, I'd just blown in from Cleveland, where I'd been
shunted by the Ordnance Department to report on a new motor kitchen. And
after spendin' ten days soppin' up information about a machine that was
a cross between a road roller and an owl lunch wagon, and fillin' my
system with army stews cooked on the fly, I'm suddenly called off.
Someone at Washington had discovered that this flying cook-stove thing
was a problem for the Quartermaster's Department, and wires me to drop
it.

So I was all for enjoyin' a little fam'ly reunion, havin' Vee tell me
how she's been gettin' along, and what cute little tricks young Master
Richard had developed while I'm gone. But right in the midst of our
intimate little domestic sketch Vee has to break loose with this outside
sigh stuff.

"I can't help thinking about poor Marion," says she.

"Eh?" says I, lookin' up from the crib where young Snookums has just
settled himself comfortable and decided to tear off a few more hours of
slumber. "Which Marion?"

"Why, Marion Gray," says she.

"Oh!" says I. "The old maid with the patient eyes and the sad smile?"

"She is barely thirty," says Vee.

"Maybe," says I; "but she's takin' it hard."

"Who wouldn't?" says Vee.

And havin' got that far, I saw I might as well let her get the whole
story off her chest. She's been seein' more and more of this Marion Gray
person ever since we moved out here to Harbor Hills. Kind of a plump,
fresh-colored party, and more or less bright and entertainin' in her
chat when she was in the right mood. I'd often come in and found Vee
chucklin' merry over some of the things Miss Gray had been tellin' her.
And while she was at our house she seemed full of life and pep. Just the
sort that Vee gets along with best. She was the same whenever we met her
up at the Ellinses. But outside of that you never saw her anywhere. She
wasn't in with the Country Club set, and most of the young married crowd
seemed to pass her up too.

I didn't know why. Guess I hadn't thought much about it. I knew she'd
lost her father and mother within the last year or so, so I expect I put
it down to that as the reason she wasn't mixin' much.

But Vee has all the inside dope. Seems old man Gray had been a chronic
invalid for years. Heart trouble. And durin' all the last of it he'd
been promisin' to check out constant, but had kept puttin' it off.
Meanwhile Mrs. Gray and Marion had been fillin' in as day and night
nurses. He'd been a peevish, grouchy old boy, too, and the more waitin'
on he got the more he demanded. Little things. He had to have his food
cooked just so, the chair cushions adjusted, the light just right. He
had to be read to so many hours a day, and played to, and sung to. He
couldn't stand it to be alone, not for half an hour. Didn't want to
think, he said. Didn't want to see the women folks knittin' or
crocheting: he wanted 'em to be attending to him all the while. He had a
little silver bell that he kept hung on his chair arm, and when he rang
it one or the other of 'em had to jump. Maybe you know the kind.

Course, the Grays traveled a lot; South in the winter, North in
summer--always huntin' a place where he'd feel better, and never findin'
it. If he was at the seashore he'd complain that they ought to be in the
mountains, and when they got there it wouldn't be a week before he had
decided the air was bad for him. They should have known better than to
take him there. Most likely one more week would finish him. Another long
railroad trip would anyway. So he might as well stay. But wouldn't
Marion see the landlord and have those fiendish children kept quiet on
that tennis court outside? And wouldn't Mother try to make an eggnog
that didn't taste like a liquid pancake!

Havin' been humorin' his whims a good deal longer than Marion, and not
being very strong herself, Mrs. Gray finally wore out. And almost before
they knew anything serious was the matter she was gone. Then it all fell
on Marion. Course, if she'd been a paid nurse she never would have stood
for this continuous double-time act. Or if there was home inspectors,
same as there are for factories, the old man would have been jacked up
for violatin' the labor laws. But being only a daughter, there's nobody
to step in and remind him that slavery has gone out of style and that in
most states the female of the species was gettin' to be a reg'lar
person. In fact, there was few who thought Marion was doin' any more'n
she had a right to do. Wasn't he her father, and wasn't he payin' all
the bills?

"To be sure," adds Vee, "he didn't realize what an old tyrant he was.
Nor did Marion. She considered it her duty, and never complained."

"Then I don't see who could have crashed in," said I.

"No one could," said Vee. "That was the pity."

And it seems for the last couple of years the old boy insisted on
settlin' down in his home here, where he could shuffle off comfortable.
He'd been mighty slow about it, though, and when he finally headed West
it was discovered that, through poor managin' and war conditions, the
income they'd been livin' on had shrunk considerable. The fine old house
was left free and clear, but there was hardly enough to keep it up
unless Marion could rustle a job somewhere.

"And all she knows how to do is nurse," says Vee. "She's not even a
trained nurse at that."

"Ain't there anybody she could marry?" I suggests.

"That's the tragic part, Torchy," says Vee. "There is--Mr. Biggies."

"What, 'Puffy' Biggles!" says I. "Not that old prune face with the shiny
dome and the baggy eyes?"

Vee says he's the one. He's been hoverin' 'round, like an old buzzard,
for three or four years now, playin' chess with the old man while he
lasted, but always with his pop-eyes fixed on Marion. And since she's
been left alone he'd been callin' reg'lar once a week, urging her to be
his tootsy-wootsy No. 3. He was the main wheeze in some third-rate life
insurance concern, I believe, and fairly well off, and he owned a classy
place over near the Country Club. But he had a 44 belt, a chin like a
pelican, and he was so short of breath that everybody called him
"Puffy" Biggles. Besides, he was fifty.

"A hot old Romeo he'd make for a nice girl like that," says I. "Is he
her best bet? Ain't there any second choice?"

"There was another," says Vee. "Rather a nice chap, too--that Mr. Ellery
Prescott, who played the organ so well and was some kind of a broker.
You remember?"

"Sure!" says I. "The one who pulled down a captain's commission at
Plattsburg. Did she have him on the string?"

"They had been friends for a long time," says Vee. "Were as good as
engaged once; though how he managed to see much of Marion I can't
imagine, with Mr. Gray so crusty toward him. You see, he didn't play
chess. Anyway, he finally gave up. I suppose he's at the front now, and
even if he ever should come back---- Well, Marion seldom mentions him.
I'm sure, though, that they thought a good deal of each other. Poor
thing! She was crazy to go across as a canteen worker. And now she
doesn't know what to do. Of course, there's always Biggles. If we could
only save her from that!"

At which remark I grows skittish. I didn't like the way she was gazin'
at me. "Ah, come, Vee!" says I. "Lay off that rescue stuff. Adoptin'
female orphans of over thirty, or matin' 'em up appropriate is way out
of my line. Suppose we pass resolutions of regret in Marion's case, and
let it ride at that?"

"At least," goes on Vee, "we can do a little something to cheer her up.
Mrs. Robert Ellins has asked her for dinner tomorrow night. Us too."

"Oh, I'll go that far," says I, "although the last I knew about the
Ellinses' kitchen squad, it's takin' a chance."

I was some little prophet, too. I expect Mrs. Robert hadn't been havin'
much worse a time with her help than most folks, but three cooks inside
of ten days was goin' some. Lots of people had been longer'n that
without any, though. But when any pot wrestler can step into a munition
works or an airplane factory and pull down her three or four dollars a
day for an eight-hour shift, what can you expect?

Answer: What we got that night at the Ellinses'. The soup had been
scorched once, but it had been cooled off nicely before it got to us.
The fish had been warmed through--barely. And the roast lamb tasted like
it had been put through an embalmin' process. But the cookin' was high
art compared to the service, for since their butler had quit to become a
crack riveter in a shipyard they've been havin' maids do their plate
jugglin'.

And this wide-built fairy, with the eyes that didn't track, sure was
constructed for anything but glidin' graceful around a dinner table.
For one thing, she had the broken-arch roll in her gait, and when she
pads in through the swing-door she's just as easy in her motion as a cow
walkin' the quarter-deck with a heavy sea runnin'. Every now and then
she'd scuff her toe in the rug, and how some of us escaped a soup or a
gravy bath I can't figure out. Maybe we were in luck.

Also, she don't mind reachin' in front of you and sidewipin' your ear
with her elbow. Accidents like that were merry little jokes to her.

"Ox-cuse me, Mister!" she'd pipe out shrill and childish, and then
indulged in a maniac giggle that would get Mrs. Robert grippin' the
chair arms.

She liked to be chatty and folksy while she was servin', too. Her motto
seemed to be, "Eat hearty and give the house a good name." If you
didn't, she tried to coax you into it, or it into you.

"Oh, do have some more of th' meat, Miss," she says to Vee. "And another
potato, now. Just one more, Miss."

And all Mrs. Robert can do is pink up, and when she's out of hearin'
apologize for her. "As you see," says Mrs. Robert, "she is hardly a
trained waitress."

"She'd make a swell auctioneer, though," I suggests.

"No doubt," says Mrs. Robert. "And I suppose I am fortunate enough to
have anyone in the kitchen at all, even to do the cooking--such as it
is."

"You ain't lonesome in feelin' that way," says I. "It seems to be a
general complaint."

Which brings out harrowin' tales of war-wrecked homes, where no buttling
had been done for months, where chauffeurs and gardeners were only
represented by stars on the service flag, and from which even personal
maids had gone to be stenographers and nurses. But chiefly it was the
missin' cook who was mourned. Some had quit to follow their men to
trainin' camps, a lot had copped out better payin' jobs, and others had
been lured to town, where they could get the fake war extras hot off the
press and earn higher wages as well.

Course, there were some substitute cooks--reformed laundresses, raw
amateurs and back numbers that should have reached the age limit long
before. And pretty awful cookin' they were gettin' away with. Vee had
heard of one who boiled the lettuce and sent in dog biscuit one mornin'
for breakfast cereal. Miss Gray told what happened at the Pemberton
Brookses when their kitchen queen had left for Bridgeport, where she had
a hubby makin' seventy-five dollars a week. The Brookses had lived for
three days on cream toast and sardines, which was all the upstairs girl
had in her culinary repertoire.

"And look at me," added Marion, "with our old family cook, who can make
the best things in the world, and I can hardly afford to keep her! But I
couldn't drive her away if I tried."

Course, with our havin' Professor and Madame Battou, the old French
couple we'd annexed over a year ago in town, we had no kick comin'. Not
even the sugar and flour shortage seemed to trouble them, and our fancy
meals continued regular as clock work. But on the way home Vee and I got
to talkin' about what hard times the neighbors was havin'.

"I guess what they need out here," says I, "is one of them army
kitchens, that would roll around two or three times a day deliverin' hot
nourishment from door to door."

And I'd hardly finished what I'd meant for a playful little remark
before Vee stops sudden, right in the middle of the road, and lets out
an excited squeal.

"Torchy!" says she. "Why on earth didn't you suggest that before!"

"Because this foolish streak has just hit me," says I.

"But it's the very thing," says she, clappin' her hands.

"Eh?" says I, gawpin'.

"For Marion," says she. "Don't you see?"

"But she's no perambulatin' rotisserie, is she?" says I.

"She might be," says Vee. "And she shall."

"Oh, very well," says I. "If you've decided it that way, I expect she
will. But I don't quite get you."

When Vee first connects with one of her bright ideas, though, she's apt
to be a little puzzlin' in her remarks about it. As a matter of fact,
her scheme is a bit hazy, but she's sure it's a winner.

"Listen, Torchy," says she. "Here are all these Harbor Hills
people--perhaps a hundred families--many of them with poor cooks, some
with none at all. And there is Marion with that perfectly splendid old
Martha of hers, who could cook for all of them."

"Oh, I see," says I. "Marion hangs out a table-board sign?"

"Stupid!" says Vee. "She does nothing of the sort. People don't want to
go out for their meals; they want to eat at home. Well, Marion brings
them their meals, all deliciously cooked, all hot, and ready to serve."

"With the kitchen range loaded on a truck and Martha passin' out soup
and roasts over the tailboard, eh?" says I.

But once more I've missed. No, the plan is to get a lot of them army
containers, such as they send hot chow up to the front trenches in; have
'em filled by Martha at home, and delivered by Marion to her customers.

"It might work," says I. "It would need some capital, though. She'd have
to invest in a lot of containers, and she'd need a motor truck."

"I will buy those," says Vee. "I'm going in with her."

"Oh, come!" says I. "You'd look nice, wouldn't you!"

"You mean that people would talk?" comes back Vee. "What do I care? It's
quite as patriotic and quite as necessary as Red Cross work, or anything
else. It would be scientific food conservation, man-power saving, all
that sort of thing. And think what a wonderful thing it would be for the
neighborhood."

"Maybe Marion wouldn't see it that way," I suggests. "Drivin' a dinner
truck around might not appeal to her. You got to remember she's more or
less of an old maid. She might have notions."

"Trust her," says Vee. "But I mean to have my plan all worked out before
I tell her a word. When you go to town tomorrow, Torchy, I want you to
find out all about those containers--how much the various compartments
will hold, and how much they cost. Also about a light motor truck. There
will be other details, too, which I will be thinking about."

Yes, there were other details. Nobody seemed to know much about such a
business. It had been tried in places. Vee heard of something of the
sort that was being tested up on the East Side. So it was three or four
days before she was ready to spring this new career on Marion. But one
night, after dinner, she announces that she's all set and drags me down
there with her. Outside of the old Gray house we finds a limousine, with
the driver dozin' inside.

"It's the Biggles car!" whispers Vee. "Oh, what if he should be----
Come, Torchy! Quick!"

"You wouldn't break in on a fond clinch, would you?" I asks.

"If it came to that, certainly," says Vee, pushin' the front-door button
determined.

I expect she would have, too. But Biggles hadn't got that far--not
quite. He's on the mat all right, though, with his fat face sort of
flushed and his eyes popped more'n usual. And Marion Gray seems to be
sort of fussed, too. She is some tinted up under the eyes, and when she
sees who it is she glances at Vee sort of appealin'.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt," says Vee, marchin' right in and takin'
Marion by the arm. "You'll pardon me, I hope, Mr. Biggles, but I must
speak to Miss Gray at once about--about something very important."

And almost before "Puffy" Biggles knows what's happened he's left
staring at an empty armchair.

In the cozy little library Vee pushes Marion down on a window seat and
camps beside her. Trust Vee for jabbin,' the probe right in, too.

"Tell me," she demands whispery, "was--was he at it again?"

Marion pinks up more'n ever. And, say, with them shy brown eyes of hers,
and all the curves, she ain't so hard to look at. "Yes," admits Marion.
"You see, I had promised to give him a final answer tonight."

"But surely, Marion," says Vee, "you'd never in the world tell him that
you----"

"I don't know," breaks in Marion, her voice trembly. "There seems to be
nothing else."

"Isn't there, though!" says Vee. "Just you wait until you hear."

And with that she plunges into a rapid outline sketch of this dinner
dispensary stunt, quotin' facts and figures and givin' a profit estimate
that sounded more or less generous to me.

"So you see," she goes on enthusiastic, "you could keep your home, and
you could keep Martha, and you would be doing something perfectly
splendid for the whole community. Besides, you would be entirely
independent of--of everyone."

"But do you think I could do it?" asks Marion.

"I know you could," says Vee. "Anyway, we could between us. I will
furnish the capital, and keep the accounts and help you plan the daily
menus. You will do the marketing and delivering. Martha will do the
cooking. And there you are! We may have to start with only a few family
orders at first, but others will come in fast. You'll see."

By that time Marion was catching the fever. Her eyes brighten and her
chin comes up.

"I believe we could do it," says she.

"And you're willing to try?" asks Vee.

Marion nods.

"Then," says Vee, "Mr. Biggles ought to be told that he needn't wait
around any longer."

"Oh, I don't see how I can," wails Marion. "He--he's such a----"

"A sticker, eh? I know," says Vee. "And it's a shame that he should have
another chance to bother you. Torchy, don't you suppose you could do it
for her?"

"What?" says I. "Break it to Biggles? Why, I could do it swell. Leave it
to me. I'll shunt him on the siding so quick he won't know he's ever
been on the main track."

I don't waste any diplomatic language doin' it, either. On my way in
where he's waiting I passes through the hall and gathers up his new
derby and yellow gloves, holdin' 'em behind me as I breaks in on him.

"Excuse me, Mr. Biggles," says I, "but it's all off."

"I--I beg pardon?" says he, gazin' at me fish-eyed and stupid.

"Ah, let's not run around in circles," says I. "Miss Gray presents her
compliments, and all that sort of stuff, but she's goin' into another
line. If you must know, she's going to bust up the cook combine, and
from now on she'll be mighty busy. Get me?"

Biggles stiffens and stares at me haughty. "I don't in the least
understand anything of all this," says he. "I had an appointment with
Marion for this evening; something quite important to--to us both. I may
as well tell you that I had asked Marion a momentous question. I am
waiting for her answer."

"Well, here it is," says I, holdin' out the hat.

Biggles, he gurgles something indignant and turns purple in the gills,
but he ends by snatchin' away the derby and marchin' stiff to the door.

"Understand," says he, with his hand on the knob, "I do not accept your
impertinence as a reply. I--I shall see Marion again."

"Sure you will," says I. "She'll be around to get your dinner order
early next week."

"Bah!" says Biggles, bangin' the door behind him.

But, say, inside of five minutes he'd been wiped off the slate, and them
two girls was plannin' their hot-food campaign as busy and excited as if
it was Marion's church weddin' they were doping out. It's after midnight
before they breaks away, too.

You know Vee, though. She ain't one to start things and then quit. She's
a stayer. And some grand little hustler, too. By Monday mornin' the
Harbor Hills Community Kitchen Co. was a going concern. And before the
week was out they had more'n forty families on the standin' order list,
with new squads of soup scorchers bein' fired every day.

What got a gasp out of me was the first time I gets sight of Marion Gray
in her working rig. Nothing old-maidish about that costume. Not so you'd
notice. She's gone the limit--khaki riding pants, leather leggins and a
zippy cloth cap cut on the overseas pattern. None of them Women's Motor
Corps girls had anything on her. And maybe she ain't some picture, too,
as she jumps in behind the wheel of the truck and steps on the gas
pedal!

Also, I was some jarred to learn that the enterprise was a payin' one
almost from the start. Folks was just tickled to death with havin'
perfectly good meals, well cooked, well seasoned and pipin' hot, set
down at their back doors prompt every day, with no fractious fryin'-pan
pirates growlin' around the kitchens, and no local food profiteers
soakin' 'em with big weekly bills.

This has been goin' on a month, when one day as I comes home Vee greets
me with a flyin' tackle.

"Oh, Torchy!" she squeals, "what do you think has happened?"

"I know," says I. "Baby's cut a tooth."

"No," says she. "It's--it's about Marion."

"Oh!" says I. "She ain't bumped somebody with the truck, has she?"

"How absurd!" says Vee. "But, listen, Captain Ellery Prescott has come
back."

"What! The old favorite?" says I. "But I thought he was over with
Pershing?"

"Not yet," says Vee. "He has been out at some Western camp training
recruits all this time. But now he has his orders. He is to sail very
soon. And he's seen Marion."

"Has he?" said I. "Did it give him a jolt, or what?"

Vee giggles and pulls my head down so she can whisper in my ear. "He
thought her perfectly stunning, as she is, of course. And they're to be
married day after tomorrow."

"Z-z-z-zing!" says I. "That puts a crimp in the ready-made dinner
business, I expect."

"Not at all," says Vee. "Until he comes back, after the war, Marion is
going to carry on."

"Anyway," says I, "it ends 'Puffy' Biggies as an impendin' tragedy,
don't it? And I expect that's worth while, too."