Chapter 2

11. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A DAME 74
You can say that again about those in Washington.

12. G-GIRLS 77
They come in two grades:
A. Government Gals--they’re many and not so glamorous.
B. Glamour Gals--they’re few and not so glamorous.

13. COMPANY GALS 83
Being a dissertation on a specialty known only to Washington
and how one finds same.

14. FOR IMMORAL PURPOSES 86
The capital was made for lupos. An elucidation on how
one goes about being one.

15. GARDEN OF PANSIES 90
The hand-on-hip set wins the battle of Washington.

16. THE LITTLE RED HERRINGS 99
Agrarian reformers--that’s what the bright State Department
lads call them, in other countries. We call those in
Washington traitors.

17. KICKING THE GONG AROUND 107
When we speak of hopheads, we don’t mean Congressmen.

18. THE YOUNG IN HEART 118
Until we read this book we liked children. In Washington
the little dears are devils.

19. BOOZE AND BOTTLES 123
Washingtonians imbibe three times as much as you.
Where they get it, how and why, with pointers on what
to do with your hollow leg.

20. CAFE AU CORN 131
That’s Washington’s Cafe Society.

21. CALL ME MADAME 134
With apologies to Irv Berlin. Being the story of the Social
Climbers who climbed in when SOCIETY climbed out.

22. STRIPED PANTS 144
Elsewhere men who wear ’em bury the dead; in Washington
most who wear them are dead but not buried.
That’s the sad tale of what happened to the once oh, so
gay diplomatic corps.

23. LOBBYIST’S LICENSE--THE RIGHT TO PETITION 155
The population consists of so many five percenters,
lobbyists, fixers, lawyers, press agents and men from
Missouri, you’d think everyone was taking advantage of the
Constitutional guarantee.

24. RACKETS BY REMOTE CONTROL 171
Washington’s underworld is operated by local overseers
for absentee landlords. This is how the system works.

25. WHO’S WHO IN MOBOCRACY 177
The Blue Book of the silk-lined aristocracy who own the
works.

26. THE TERROR FROM TENNESSEE 194
Estes in Plunderland.

27. LUCKY NUMBERS 206
After all, politics is a gamble, so why shouldn’t the
citizens do it too?

28. IT’S A CRIME 213
Murder and mayhem, rape and robbery are pastimes in
Washington. Jail? Don’t be naïve.

29. THE LAW 220
The poor, underpaid coppers, who try to enforce it.

30. HOW TO STAY OUT OF JAIL 229
Hire the right lawyer and bondsman. This will name him.

31. THE BOSSES 234
They’re responsible for the works working. Maybe that’s
why they don’t.

32. THE MONARCHS OF THE METROPOLIS 240
The “Honorable” members of Congress.

33. WIRETAPPERS, SNOOPS AND SPIES 245
The only thing they can’t tap is sign language.