I TAKE A RIDE

To be quite honest about it, I have no very clear idea what happenedrnin that private room at the Princeton Inn the night of the lastrnnip-and-tuck baseball game with Yale, except that every one of therncrowd with the exception of myself was anything but sober. There werernRoupell and Frean, Hewitt and Ashton--to mention only a few--who werernquarrelsome and ready to take exception to everything I said. I didn'trnmind particularly about Roupell and Frean, but Bob Hewitt, being arnparticularly old friend, his condition pained me exceedingly.rnrnI don't recollect precisely what our particular difference was about,rnmy memory being notoriously faulty over trifles, but I know thatrnsomehow Hewitt and I had become the focal point of interest for therncrowd. They were gathered round our table, and something seemed to havernhappened. Perhaps I had said a brilliant thing worth remembering--Irnoften do--for Tommy Ashton, who is a lawyer, had his fountain pen outrnand was busy writing. No doubt he intended to be my Boswell. He wasrnsmiling; so was everybody but Hewitt, who looked as serious as the war.rnrn"See here, Pete," said Hewitt, leaning over the table and eying mernhard, "you take witness before all present that you're perfectlyrnsober----"rnrn"Of course I'm sober! Did you ever see me when I wasn't? I was bornrnsober! Why do you persist in insinuating that I'm drunk instead ofrnyourself?"rnrn"Oh, that's a particular failing of Hewitt's," laughed a fat voice;rnand, to my astonishment, I recognized Howard Roupell.rnrn"Oh, hello!" I greeted. "When did you blow in?"rnrn"With you," he chuckled. "You know I've been sitting next you allrnevening."rnrn"The Harry you have! You aren't a Princeton man and you're old enoughrnand, I dare say, unmoral enough to be the father of us all."rnrn"I dare say," agreed Roupell, patting his fat paunch. "But I was at therngame, you know, and since you invited me here----"rnrn"_I_ invite you? Nonsense! How could I, when this is the first timernI've seen you since--well, I forget how long. It doesn't matter,rnanyway. I'm sorry to see that you're drunk, Roupell. It isn't right,rnit isn't decent, especially in an old man like you. You should set arngood example, have more honor for your graying hairs and our youthfulrnpurity."rnrn"It's _you_ who's drunk--drunk as a fool," said another voice; and,rnagain to my astonishment, I recognized Arnold Frean. Of course he hadrna perfect right to be there, but it was just like him to come sneakingrnin by a back door and slink among the crowd. A furtive fellow, Frean,rnwith large, outstanding ears--otherwise he was quite handsome--thatrnseemed designed expressly for listening at keyholes. There was no lovernlost between us, and, to his ridiculous and monstrous charge concerningrnmy sobriety, he now had the audacity to add that, like Roupell, hernhad been present from the first, even sitting behind me at the ballrngame. Moreover, he stated that I had brought Roupell to the feast byrnintimidation and violence, threatening him with mayhem, and I forgetrnwhat else, if he didn't join the party.rnrn"For that matter you invited the whole town," finished Frean. "All thernragtag and bobtail--friends, I suppose, of your former days--and we hadrna hard time keeping 'em out."rnrn"You're drunk, Frean," I said. "Drunk like Roupell. I'm sorry to seernit, and I object to your face. Between ourselves, and speaking inrnstrict privacy, I don't like it and never did. Take it away."rnrn"You're like all the Lawtons," he said. "You can't take a drink----"rnrn"I can! I'll have one now. Thanks for reminding me. I'll have morernthan one, and then I'll remove your face. That face of yours andrnRoupell's alleged funny stories are too much; as a combination----"rnrn"Oh, cut it out!" exclaimed Hewitt, seizing my arm. "And you quitrnchipping him, Frean. Can't you stop your rowing? Don't get quarrelsome,rnPete----"rnrn"I'm not," I protested. "I'm the most peaceable man in the world. I'llrnfight anybody who says I'm not--_anybody_. I'm the only sober man inrnthe room, too. You know that, Bob. You're all half shot and trying tornpick a row, but you can't do it with me. No, sir. I'm perfectly willingrnto fight anybody who says he can--_anybody_. Only sober man in thernroom; never more sober in my life."rnrn"Very well," said Hewitt. "That's what I've been trying to get at. Yournsay you're perfectly sober? All right; now read over the agreement."rnrnIt was the first I had heard of any agreement, but Hewitt being sornfar gone, poor fellow--much further gone than I had even suspected--Irndecided to humor him. You have to humor the drunk; it is the only wayrnto deal with them. He was in that perverse state where, if I had evenrnhinted a denial of any agreement, he would have claimed triumphantlyrnthat I was drunk and he sober.rnrnI confess, however, to astonishment when Ashton handed me a paper. Butrnevidently, being a quick-witted fellow, he was helping me on the spurrnof the moment to humor poor Hewitt. And when I glanced at the paper Irnsaw he had been at some pains to fake up an agreement, though I couldrnnot quite grasp what it was all about, it being couched in the cloudyrnphraseology of the law which, coupled with Ashton's weird handwriting,rnrendered it quite unintelligible. Indeed, it made me dizzy to look atrnit, though, to humor poor Hewitt, I made a solemn pretense of readingrnit through.rnrn"Is that right?" asked Hewitt. "You understand it?"rnrn"Of course," I said angrily. Did he think I couldn't understand plainrnEnglish put in plain writing?rnrn"Very good. Then let it be signed and witnessed."rnrnAshton handed me his pen, one of those foolish affairs that start offrnwith dumping half their contents down your sleeve, and then splutterrnall over the map. For that reason I found some little difficulty inrnsigning my name.rnrn"That's yours," said Hewitt. "Now sign my copy. Compare it with yourrnown."rnrnI did so dutifully. And now Ashton's writing had so improved byrnpractice that I was able to understand, amid a wilderness ofrn"Whereases" and "Aforesaids," the following words:rnrn And furthermore I, Peter Lawton, being in full possession of all myrn faculties, do promise faithfully to earn my living by manual laborrn for a period of at least one month, dating from this seventeenthrn day of June, 1916.rnrn"Very well," I said, tossing the signed document back to Hewitt."Because I came into a pot of money and you didn't, you've always beenrnthrowing it up to me! Because I don't have to work and you do, you'rernsore----"rnrn"It's not that at all, Pete. You started this argument about being ablernto earn your own living, even by manual labor----"rnrn"I did nothing of the kind!"rnrn"You did. And every fellow here knows you did. You can only repudiaternyour signature and that agreement by admitting what you would neverrnadmit before--that you weren't capable of----"rnrn"I'm capable of anything--I mean everything!" I exclaimed. "I'll showrnyou and the whole crowd! I can't earn my own living, eh? I'll show you.rnI stand over my signature and repudiate nothing!"rnrnI forget what else I said, but it must have been very witty--I seemedrnto be in a rather happy vein that evening--for they all laughed andrnclapped me on the back--all except Frean, who stood aloof with amusedrnsarcastic eyes. Then we all sang the old glees, and after an extremelyrnpleasant time, of which I remember nothing, I found myself outside,rntalking with my chauffeur.rnrn"Jensen," I said, "you're discharged. Who's got your job? _I_ have.rnI've got to go to work right away, and the only thing I can do with myrnhands is to feed myself and run a car. I can't feed if I don't work.rnErgo, you're discharged. I know your employer, too; he's a good fellow,rnone of the best. I approve of him, and if I have to work, I'd ratherrnwork for him."rnrnJensen was a Swede, and at times rather stupid. Unfortunately this wasrnone of the times and, moreover, he had been drinking like everybodyrnelse but myself. A drunken Swede--a terrible combination; no wonder Irnfound it impossible to get him to understand my simple and dramaticrnstatement. "_You_ ban my boss," he kept repeating like a litany, hisrnbleak face never changing. "How you work for yourself? You make a yoke,rnyes?"rnrn"I make a yoke, no. I've got your job and that's all there's to it."rnrn"But, boss----"rnrn"There are no buts, my friend. Didn't you say the other day you werernthinking of making a change? Well, you've made it. And don't let mernhear you say again, 'Ay tank you ban drunk again, boss,' or I'll putrnyou past thinking anything. How could I be drunk again when I've neverrnbeen drunk in my life? I'm sorry to see that you've been at the bottle.rnHowever, I've now engaged a sober chauffeur."rnrnHe blinked at me. "You ban going to fire me----"rnrn"I ban! Here, now, immediately, if not sooner! I've got your job andrnI'll hang on to it. I'm going to take the old bus all the way homernmyself and run it in future. I've got your job. I'm working for PeternLawton."rnrnIt took some time for the truth to sink into Jensen's square dome, butrnwhen he saw I was quite sober, and in deadly earnest, he accepted thernsituation like a philosopher, the more so, perhaps, as I handed him arnhundred-dollar bill in mistake for a twenty. Anyway, he disappeared,rnthough I don't remember seeing him go.rnrnI experienced some unexpected trouble in getting the car started andrnout of the parking space, but this was finally accomplished with thernaid of a very obliging person with two faces, an oddity I had notrnremarked in him previously.rnrnFive of the crowd, including Hewitt, were to return home with me to NewrnYork, but when I appeared with something of a flourish--if there isrnanything I can do it's drive a car--and they saw I was minus Jensen,rntheir behavior was very peculiar. It became downright insulting whenrnthey learned what had happened to Jensen, and that I meant to take thernwheel myself. One and all positively declined to accompany me, and, tornfurther aggravate matters, they insinuated I was in no condition torndrive even a baby carriage.rnrn"For the love of Heaven, you mad devil, come out of there!" criedrnHewitt at length, springing on the running board and trying to shut offrnthe spark. "You'll kill somebody or break your fool neck----"rnrn"I'll break yours if you don't get off!" I shouted above the roar ofrnthe engine. "I've stood your insults long enough. You jeer at me forrnnot working, and then, when I get a job with a good employer, a fellowrnI like and approve of----"rnrn"One of you fellows run for a cop!" cried Hewitt. "And, say, can't thernrest of you help me? Come on and do something! Don't you see he'll dornwhat he says and that he isn't able to bite his finger?"rnrn"I don't want to bite it!" I cried. "But you evidently do." For he hadrnfollowed his words by coming over the door like a cyclone.rnrnIt only needed that personal contact, the employment of brute force,rnto snap my long-suffering patience and send my peaceful nature up inrnflame. I slung Hewitt into the road with one hand, while with the otherrnI threw in the clutch. At the same moment Jensen appeared, and he andrnthe other four fellows rushed me, followed by, it seemed, half the town.rnrnWhat happened next could only be described by half a dozenrnmoving-picture machines working together at top speed. The high-poweredrnsix gave a bound like a tiger, and I took the sharp turn into thernhighroad at a forty-mile clip amid a parting scene that resembled arnlunatic's dream of the battle of the Marne.rnrnIt was not until I had passed several towns that it began to dawn onrnme that some one had changed the map placing New York in a remoterncorner, where I was unable to find it. Meanwhile it was a lovely, warm,rnmoonlight night--indeed, there were several moons--and, ceasing tornbrood over my wrongs, I began to find a certain pleasure in the ride.rnrnIt would appear that neither Paul Revere nor John Gilpin had anythingrnon me when it came to rousing public interest and enthusiasm. EverybodyrnI met made way for me instantly as if I were a king, showeringrnbenedictions and good wishes after me in the most approved manner.rnIn several towns fire bells were rung, and the police force hastilyrnmobilized. Even trolley cars stopped so that their passengers mightrnhave a glimpse of me as I passed; women fainted with joy, and severalrnhorses ran away through sheer excitement. No one ever had such arntremendous popular ovation, such a triumphal procession. My heartrnwas filled with gratitude toward all these good people, and if Irnhad not been in such a hurry to find out what had happened to NewrnYork, I should certainly have stayed and accepted of their profferedrnhospitality.rnrnIn due time it occurred to me that rather than search at random I hadrnbetter make inquiries as to the new location of Manhattan, for I hadrnan important engagement the following day, and it would prove ratherrnawkward if at the last moment I discovered the city to have beenrnshifted, say, to Alaska. For you never know what those fellows at therntopographical bureau in Washington are up to.rnrnWith me, to make up my mind is to act, and accordingly I now stoppedrnthe car and alighted. Perhaps it would have been just as well if thernidea had come to me at another time and place, for now I discoveredrnthere was no one whom I could ask for information. In other words, Irnfound myself absolutely alone on a deserted country road.rnrn"I've always heard it said," I thought injuredly, "that to make uprnone's mind and to act promptly is a great virtue. But see what it hasrndone for me! Now I must tramp about here until I find somebody whornknows where New York is."rnrnSo I set off down the road. You will ask, perhaps, why I did not go inrnthe car. But I have confessed to a memory that is faulty over trifles,rnand, for the moment, the trifling matter of the car had escaped me.rnrnThe next scene--for, somehow, this night everything happened inrnscenes--found me at a crossroads, hat in hand, talking to a manrnand a girl. They sat in a town car de luxe, upholstered in maroon,rnelectrically lighted within, and with a flower vase containing a bunchrnof violets that went wonderfully with the girl's hair.rnrnHer companion was a little, dried-up old gentleman, rather foppishlyrndressed, and the color of bronze. I assure you he was. It was notrnsunburn, nor was he a foreigner; his face and hands were a distinctrnand emphatic greenish-bronze color, the like of which I had never seenrnbefore.rnrnI have no wish to criticize his looks, for I am not a handsome manrnmyself. In fact my cherished nickname at Old Nassau was "Mug." Takenrnsingly, and if transposed, I have been assured by friends that myrnfeatures are quite classical; I mean if my nose was turned upside down,rnand my nether lip projected inward instead of outward, and a goodrnbit of my chin was shoved south--you get the idea. They are all goodrnfeatures, judged separately, but undoubtedly a serious mistake was madernby somebody when they were being assembled.rnrnThe result is a tumultuous something, with knobs and projections inrnunexpected places, properly termed a "mug." Even though I wore arnmustache in order to veil the subject as decently as possible, thernresult was still a mug. Indeed Arnold Frean would have had infinitelyrnmore reason to object to my face than I to his; he really had one worthrnlooking at--velvety brown eyes and all that Valentino stuff. I supposernI objected to it because it kept reminding me so poignantly of my own.rnrnNo, I am not a handsome man, and yet, do you know, I made the greatestrnpossible impression on the little bronze gentleman and his beautifulrncompanion. I assure you I did. How? Why, by my manner and bearing.rnThere is something princely about me--there is no other word for itrnand, as I had noticed it before this evening, I needn't try to be mockrnmodest about it--that is infinitely superior to mere good looks.rnrnReal princes aren't handsome, nor princesses either; if you doubt it,rntake a look at the family album of the crowned heads of Europe. Irnown a sort of royal and magnificent bearing that commands the utmostrnattention, homage, and respect. One is born that way; there is nornacquiring it. The little bronze gentleman and the girl, from the momentrnI appeared, couldn't remove their eyes from me--and they had many eyes,rnindeed more than their fair share; they had at least half a dozenrnbetween them. I welcomed the phenomenon in the girl's case, for onerncannot have too much of a pretty thing, but the man's resembled holesrnburned in a blanket.rnrn"You are mistaken, sir," I said, endeavoring to explain the situationrnand correct the bronze man's ridiculous error that I had tried to getrnmyself run over. "I am not a would-be suicide. The fact is I have lostrnsomething, something of infinite value, and I wished merely to solicitrnthe help of the first passer-by."rnrn"Oh, we must help him!" said the girl.rnrn"Be quiet!" snapped the little mummy. "What have you lost?" he demandedrnof me, tapping a Malacca cane against his thin shanks.rnrn"I have lost New York," I confided solemnly.rnrn"Eh? What's that?" He had begun to sniff, as though preparatory tornbursting into tears at the enormity of my misfortune, and against thisrncontingency, he now produced a flowered silk handkerchief and held itrnto his nose. I was touched, deeply so; such sympathetic souls are allrntoo rare in this world.rnrn"Don't weep, sir," I said. "I can't bear to see you cry. True, I havernlost New York, or rather it has been stolen from me; some vandal hasrnremoved it. But no doubt you can help me find it. I must be in New Yorkrnwithout fail to-morrow, for I've an appointment which I can't neglect.rnIn strict confidence, I may explain that I'm to be buried; so if I'mrnnot there, how can there be a funeral? You see the point? Now, whatrnwould you advise?"rnrn"That you enter the alcoholic ward of the nearest hospital!" hernanswered, with sudden and unwarranted ferocity. "Faugh! You smell likerna distillery. Go away, you sot!"rnrn"Anything to oblige, sir. Where _is_ the nearest hospital? If you willrnkindly take me----"rnrn"Get out of here!" he roared. "Take your foot away, sir! Jules!"rnrnJules was the chauffeur, and he appeared, armed with a spanner.rnrnThe proceedings became a trifle involved. Not that in the presence ofrnthe girl I had any idea of making a scene; but I considered it only duernto my self-respect to correct the bronze man's erroneous conception ofrnmy character and condition. And this I endeavored to do with the utmostrnpoliteness and amiability.rnrnThe girl appeared to understand my position, for her eyes--I nowrnascertained she had no more than the customary number--were quiternsympathetic. I gathered that she wished to assist me, and, no doubtrnreferring to some one else, she stated that it was cruel and inhuman tornleave them when it was plain to be seen that they were helpless as arnbaby.rnrnI was about to applaud her for this excellent sentiment when the littlernold gentleman banged the door in my face, Jules sent me sprawling, andrnthe car whirled off, leaving me no wiser as to the fate of New York.rnStill, I was the better for the adventure, for it left me with thernhappy memory of a beautiful, gracious, and charming young girl.rnrnI now remembered my own car, and hastened to leave the crossroads downrnwhich the other had sped. I found my car where I had left it, and Irnfound also a man cranking the engine.rnrn"Thank you, so much," I said. "It's very kind of you to take therntrouble. I've met quite a number of nice, obliging people to-night."rnrnEvidently he had been so engrossed in his kindly, self-appointed task,rnthat he had not heard me approach; for at my words he jumped back,rncrank in hand, as if I had demanded his money or his life. I could seernhim quite plainly by the light of the several summer moons. He wasrna big fellow, about my own height and weight, and quite respectablyrndressed.rnrnIt being a night of the most astounding phenomena--to mention onlyrnone fact, witness the several moons, to which I meant subsequently torndirect the attention of Lick Observatory--I was not greatly astonishedrnto discover that this new acquaintance had six fingers. I assure yournhe had; I saw them plainly as he held the crank. Nor was this all;rnfar from it. He was the proud possessor also of a miraculous mustacherncapable of intelligent self-movement. I assure you of the truth of thisrntoo. When first he turned toward me, the mustache was in a most curiousrnand humiliating position, one end pointing to his Adam's apple, thernother to his right ear. You will agree that no ordinary mustache canrnact like that even in its most abandoned moments. When next I lookedrnat him, behold, it was in the conventional position, straight acrossrnhis upper lip! An astounding, intelligent mustache that must be capablernof moving automatically! It pleased and interested me exceedingly; itrnsuggested the solution of many problems. Such an article would removernthe terrors of eating soup--something of which I'm very fond, but whichrnI've given up attempting in public. Such a mustache could be adjusted,rnnay, commanded, to any position and no longer behave like a strainer.rnI must try and get mine to behave that way, ask him how he had trainedrnhis.rnrn"Say, is this your car, boss?" he asked in unaffected surprise. "I wasrngoin' to take her to the nearest lockup--wherever that is. I thoughtrnshe'd been swiped, see? You don't generally find such things layin'rnround a country road this time of night. How'd you come to leave her?"rnrnSeeing he was such an altogether obliging fellow, distinguished,rnmoreover, by owning six fingers and a movable mustache, I consideredrnit only proper to explain how the car came to be there. He listenedrnpolitely, scratching an ear with the tip of the crank, but I wasn'trnsure whether he had any better understanding than Jensen, for he hadrnan absent-minded way of looking up and down the deserted road.rnrn"You now understand my predicament," I finished, taking out my walletrnand giving him a bill for his thoughtfulness in cranking the car."Perhaps you can tell me where New York is?"rnrn"Sure, boss. You're almost in it. It's right over there."rnrn"Where?"rnrn"There," he said. "See the lights?"rnrnI turned to follow his pointing finger, and, sure enough, I saw thernlights. Indeed, I never saw so many in my life as something fell uponrnmy head with a resounding crash. Then the lights went out as suddenlyrnas they had come, and I lost all interest in finding New York.