Chapter 2

The young gentleman being now at the age of seventeen, his father,
from a foolish prejudice to our universities, and out of a false
as well as excessive regard to his morals, brought his son to
town, where he resided with him till he was of an age to travel.
Whilst he was here, all imaginable care was taken of his
instruction, his father endeavouring his utmost to inculcate
principles of honour and gentility into his son.

CHAPTER FOUR

MR. WILD'S FIRST ENTRANCE INTO THE WORLD. HIS ACQUAINTANCE WITH
COUNT LA RUSE.

An accident soon happened after his arrival in town which almost
saved the father his whole labour on this head, and provided
master Wild a better tutor than any after-care or expense could
have furnished him with. The old gentleman, it seems, was a
FOLLOWER of the fortunes of Mr. Snap, son of Mr. Geoffry Snap,
whom we have before mentioned to have enjoyed a reputable office
under the Sheriff of London and Middlesex, the daughter of which
Geoffry had intermarried with the Wilds. Mr. Snap the younger,
being thereto well warranted, had laid violent hands on, or, as
the vulgar express it, arrested one count La Ruse, a man of
considerable figure in those days, and had confined him to his own
house till he could find two seconds who would in a formal manner
give their words that the count should, at a certain day and place
appointed, answer all that one Thomas Thimble, a taylor, had to
say to him; which Thomas Thimble, it seems, alleged that the count
had, according to the law of the realm, made over his body to him
as a security for some suits of cloaths to him delivered by the
said Thomas Thimble. Now as the count, though perfectly a man of
honour, could not immediately find these seconds, he was obliged
for some time to reside at Mr. Snap's house: for it seems the law
of the land is, that whoever owes another 10 pounds, or indeed 2
pounds, may be, on the oath of that person, immediately taken up
and carried away from his own house and family, and kept abroad
till he is made to owe, 50 pounds, whether he will or no; for
which he is perhaps afterwards obliged to lie in gaol; and all
these without any trial had, or any other evidence of the debt
than the above said oath, which if untrue, as it often happens,
you have no remedy against the perjurer; he was, forsooth,
mistaken.

But though Mr. Snap would not (as perhaps by the nice rules of
honour he was obliged) discharge the count on his parole, yet did
he not (as by the strict rules of law he was enabled) confine him
to his chamber. The count had his liberty of the whole house, and
Mr. Snap, using only the precaution of keeping his doors well
locked and barred, took his prisoner's word that he would not go
forth.

Mr. Snap had by his second lady two daughters, who were now in the
bloom of their youth and beauty. These young ladies, like damsels
in romance, compassionated the captive count, and endeavoured by
all means to make his confinement less irksome to him; which,
though they were both very beautiful, they could not attain by any
other way so effectually as by engaging with him at cards, in
which contentions, as will appear hereafter, the count was greatly
skilful.

As whisk and swabbers was the game then in the chief vogue, they
were obliged to look for a fourth person in order to make up their
parties. Mr. Snap himself would sometimes relax his mind from the
violent fatigues of his employment by these recreations; and
sometimes a neighbouring young gentleman or lady came in to their
assistance: but the most frequent guest was young master Wild, who
had been educated from his infancy with the Miss Snaps, and was,
by all the neighbours, allotted for the husband of Miss Tishy, or
Laetitia, the younger of the two; for though, being his cousin-
german, she was perhaps, in the eye of a strict conscience,
somewhat too nearly related to him, yet the old people on both
sides, though sufficiently scrupulous in nice matters, agreed to
overlook this objection.

Men of great genius as easily discover one another as freemasons
can. It was therefore no wonder that the count soon conceived an
inclination to an intimacy with our young hero, whose vast
abilities could not be concealed from one of the count's
discernment; for though this latter was so expert at his cards
that he was proverbially said to PLAY THE WHOLE GAME, he was no
match for master Wild, who, inexperienced as he was,
notwithstanding all the art, the dexterity, and often the fortune
of his adversary, never failed to send him away from the table
with less in his pocket than he brought to it, for indeed
Langfanger himself could not have extracted a purse with more
ingenuity than our young hero.

His hands made frequent visits to the count's pocket before the
latter had entertained any suspicion of him, imputing the several
losses he sustained rather to the innocent and sprightly frolick
of Miss Doshy, or Theodosia, with which, as she indulged him with
little innocent freedoms about her person in return, he thought
himself obliged to be contented; but one night, when Wild imagined
the count asleep, he made so unguarded an attack upon him, that
the other caught him in the fact: however, he did not think proper
to acquaint him with the discovery he had made, but, preventing
him from any booty at that time, he only took care for the future
to button his pockets, and to pack the cards with double industry.

So far was this detection from causing any quarrel between these
two prigs, that in reality it recommended them
to each other; for a wise man, that is to say a rogue, considers a
trick in life as a gamester doth a trick at play. It sets him on
his guard, but he admires the dexterity of him who plays it.
These, therefore, and many other such instances of ingenuity,
operated so violently on the count, that, notwithstanding the
disparity which age, title, and above all, dress, had set between
them, he resolved to enter into an acquaintance with Wild. This
soon produced a perfect intimacy, and that a friendship, which had
a longer duration than is common to that passion between persons
who only propose to themselves the common advantages of eating,
drinking, whoring, or borrowing money; which ends, as they soon
fail, so doth the friendship founded upon them. Mutual interest,
the greatest of all purposes, was the cement of this alliance,
which nothing, of consequence, but superior interest, was capable
of dissolving.

CHAPTER FIVE

A DIALOGUE BETWEEN YOUNG MASTER WILD AND COUNT LA RUSE, WHICH,
HAVING EXTENDED TO THE REJOINDER, HAD A VERY QUIET, EASY, AND
NATURAL CONCLUSION.

One evening, after the Miss Snaps were retired to rest, the count
thus addressed himself to young Wild: "You cannot, I apprehend,
Mr. Wild, be such a stranger to your own great capacity, as to be
surprised when I tell you I have often viewed, with a mixture of
astonishment and concern, your shining qualities confined to a
sphere where they can never reach the eyes of those who would
introduce them properly into the world, and raise you to an
eminence where you may blaze out to the admiration of all men. I
assure you I am pleased with my captivity, when I reflect I am
likely to owe to it an acquaintance, and I hope friendship, with
the greatest genius of my age; and, what is still more, when I
indulge my vanity with a prospect of drawing from obscurity
(pardon the expression) such talents as were, I believe, never
before like to have been buried in it: for I make no question but,
at my discharge from confinement, which will now soon happen, I
shall be able to introduce you into company, where you may reap
the advantage of your superior parts.

"I will bring you acquainted, sir, with those who, as they are
capable of setting a true value on such qualifications, so they
will have it both in their power and inclination to prefer you for
them. Such an introduction is the only advantage you want, without
which your merit might be your misfortune; for those abilities
which would entitle you to honour and profit in a superior station
may render you only obnoxious to danger and disgrace in a lower."

Mr. Wild answered, "Sir, I am not insensible of my obligations to
you, as well for the over-value you have set on my small
abilities, as for the kindness you express in offering to
introduce me among my superiors. I must own my father hath often
persuaded me to push myself into the company of my betters; but,
to say the truth, I have an aukward pride in my nature, which is
better pleased with being at the head of the lowest class than at
the bottom of the highest. Permit me to say, though the idea may
be somewhat coarse, I had rather stand on the summit of a dunghill
than at the bottom of a hill in Paradise. I have always thought it
signifies little into what rank of life I am thrown, provided I
make a great figure therein, and should be as well satisfied with
exerting my talents well at the head of a small party or gang, as
in the command of a mighty army; for I am far from agreeing with
you, that great parts are often lost in a low situation; on the
contrary, I am convinced it is impossible they should be lost. I
have often persuaded myself that there were not fewer than a
thousand in Alexander's troops capable of performing what
Alexander himself did.

"But, because such spirits were not elected or destined to an
imperial command, are we therefore to imagine they came off
without a booty? or that they contented themselves with the share
in common with their comrades? Surely, no. In civil life,
doubtless, the same genius, the same endowments, have often
composed the statesman and the prig, for so we call what the
vulgar name a thief. The same parts, the same actions, often
promote men to the head of superior societies, which raise them to
the head of lower; and where is the essential difference if the
one ends on Tower-hill and the other at Tyburn? Hath the block any
preference to the gallows, or the ax to the halter, but was given
them by the ill-guided judgment of men? You will pardon me,
therefore, if I am not so hastily inflamed with the common outside
of things, nor join the general opinion in preferring one state to
another. A guinea is as valuable in a leathern as in an
embroidered purse; and a cod's head is a cod's head still, whether
in a pewter or a silver dish."

The count replied as follows: "What you have now said doth not
lessen my idea of your capacity, but confirms my opinion of the
ill effect of bad and low company. Can any man doubt whether it is
better to be a great statesman or a common thief? I have often
heard that the devil used to say, where or to whom I know not,
that it was better to reign in Hell than to be a valet-de-chambre
in Heaven, and perhaps he was in the right; but sure, if he had
had the choice of reigning in either, he would have chosen better.
The truth therefore is, that by low conversation we contract a
greater awe for high things than they deserve. We decline great
pursuits not from contempt but despair. The man who prefers the
high road to a more reputable way of making his fortune doth it
because he imagines the one easier than the other; but you
yourself have asserted, and with undoubted truth, that the same
abilities qualify you for undertaking, and the same means will
bring you to your end in both journeys--as in music it is the same
tune, whether you play it in a higher or a lower key. To instance
in some particulars: is it not the same qualification which
enables this man to hire himself as a servant, and to get into the
confidence and secrets of his master in order to rob him, and that
to undertake trusts of the highest nature with a design to break
and betray them? Is it less difficult by false tokens to deceive a
shopkeeper into the delivery of his goods, which you afterwards
run away with, than to impose upon him by outward splendour and
the appearance of fortune into a credit by which you gain and he
loses twenty times as much? Doth it not require more dexterity in
the fingers to draw out a man's purse from his pocket, or to take
a lady's watch from her side, without being perceived of any (an
excellence in which, without flattery, I am persuaded you have no
superior), than to cog a die or to shuffle a pack of cards? Is not
as much art, as many excellent qualities, required to make a
pimping porter at a common bawdy-house as would enable a man to
prostitute his own or his friend's wife or child? Doth it not ask
as good a memory, as nimble an invention, as steady a countenance,
to forswear yourself in Westminster-hall as would furnish out a
complete tool of state, or perhaps a statesman himself? It is
needless to particularize every instance; in all we shall find
that there is a nearer connexion between high and low life than is
generally imagined, and that a highwayman is entitled to more
favour with the great than he usually meets with. If, therefore,
as I think I have proved, the same parts which qualify a man for
eminence in a low sphere, qualify him likewise for eminence in a
higher, sure it can be no doubt in which he would chuse to exert
them. Ambition, without which no one can be a great man, will
immediately instruct him, in your own phrase, to prefer a hill in
Paradise to a dunghill; nay, even fear, a passion the most
repugnant to greatness, will shew him how much more safely he may
indulge himself in the free and full exertion of his mighty
abilities in the higher than in the lower rank; since experience
teaches him that there is a crowd oftener in one year at Tyburn
than on Tower-hill in a century." Mr. Wild with much solemnity
rejoined, "That the same capacity which qualifies a mill-
ken, a bridle-cull, or a buttock-and-file, to arrive at any degree of eminence
in his profession, would likewise raise a man in what the world
esteem a more honourable calling, I do not deny; nay, in many of
your instances it is evident that more ingenuity, more art, are
necessary to the lower than the higher proficients. If, therefore,
you had only contended that every prig might be a statesman if he
pleased, I had readily agreed to it; but when you conclude that it
is his interest to be so, that ambition would bid him take that
alternative, in a word, that a statesman is greater or happier
than a prig, I must deny my assent. But, in comparing these two
together, we must carefully avoid being misled by the vulgar
erroneous estimation of things, for mankind err in disquisitions
of this nature as physicians do who in considering the operations
of a disease have not a due regard to the age and complexion of
the patient. The same degree of heat which is common in this
constitution may be a fever in that; in the same manner that which
may be riches or honour to me may be poverty or disgrace to
another: for all these things are to be estimated by relation to
the person who possesses them. A booty of L10 looks as great in
the eye of a bridle-cull, and gives as much real happiness to his
fancy, as that of as many thousands to the statesman; and doth not
the former lay out his acquisitions in whores and fiddles with
much greater joy and mirth than the latter in palaces and
pictures? What are the flattery, the false compliments of his gang
to the statesman, when he himself must condemn his own blunders,
and is obliged against his will to give fortune the whole honour
of success? What is the pride resulting from such sham applause,
compared to the secret satisfaction which a prig enjoys in his
mind in reflecting on a well-contrived and well-executed scheme?
Perhaps, indeed, the greater danger is on the prig's side; but
then you must remember that the greater honour is so too. When I
mention honour, I mean that which is paid them by their gang; for
that weak part of the world which is vulgarly called THE WISE see
both in a disadvantageous and disgraceful light; and as the prig
enjoys (and merits too) the greater degree of honour from his
gang, so doth he suffer the less disgrace from the world, who
think his misdeeds, as they call them, sufficiently at last
punished with a halter, which at once puts an end to his pain and
infamy; whereas the other is not only hated in power, but detested
and contemned at the scaffold; and future ages vent their malice
on his fame, while the other sleeps quiet and forgotten. Besides,
let us a little consider the secret quiet of their consciences:
how easy is the reflection of having taken a few shillings or
pounds from a stranger, without any breach of confidence, or
perhaps any great harm to the person who loses it, compared to
that of having betrayed a public trust, and ruined the fortunes of
thousands, perhaps of a great nation! How much braver is an attack
on the highway than at a gaming-table; and how much more innocent
the character of a b--dy-house than a c--t pimp!" He was eagerly
proceeding, when, casting his eyes on the count, he perceived him
to be fast asleep; wherefore, having first picked his pocket of
three shillings, then gently jogged him in order to take his
leave, and promised to return to him the next morning to
breakfast, they separated: the count retired to rest, and master
Wild to a night-cellar.

CHAPTER SIX

FURTHER CONFERENCES BETWEEN THE COUNT AND MASTER WILD, WITH OTHER
MATTERS OF THE GREAT KIND.

The count missed his money the next morning, and very well knew
who had it; but, as he knew likewise how fruitless would be any
complaint, he chose to pass it by without mentioning it. Indeed it
may appear strange to some readers that these gentlemen, who knew
each other to be thieves, should never once give the least hint of
this knowledge in all their discourse together, but, on the
contrary, should have the words honesty, honour, and friendship as
often in their mouths as any other men. This, I say, may appear
strange to some; but those who have lived long in cities, courts,
gaols, or such places, will perhaps be able to solve the seeming
absurdity.

When our two friends met the next morning the count (who, though
he did not agree with the whole of his friend's doctrine, was,
however, highly pleased with his argument) began to bewail the
misfortune of his captivity, and the backwardness of friends to
assist each other in their necessities; but what vexed him, he
said, most, was the cruelty of the fair: for he intrusted Wild
with the secret of his having had an intrigue with Miss Theodosia,
the elder of the Miss Snaps, ever since his confinement, though he
could not prevail with her to set him at liberty. Wild answered,
with a smile, "It was no wonder a woman should wish to confine her
lover where she might be sure of having him entirely to herself;"
but added, he believed he could tell him a method of certainly
procuring his escape. The count eagerly besought him to acquaint
him with it. Wild told him bribery was the surest means, and
advised him to apply to the maid. The count thanked him, but
returned, "That he had not a farthing left besides one guinea,
which he had then given her to change." To which Wild said, "He
must make it up with promises, which he supposed he was courtier
enough to know how to put off." The count greatly applauded the
advice, and said he hoped he should be able in time to persuade
him to condescend to be a great man, for which he was so perfectly
well qualified.

This method being concluded on, the two friends sat down to cards,
a circumstance which I should not have mentioned but for the sake
of observing the prodigious force of habit; for though the count
knew if he won ever so much of Mr. Wild he should not receive a
shilling, yet could he not refrain from packing the cards; nor
could Wild keep his hands out of his friend's pockets, though he
knew there was nothing in them.

When the maid came home the count began to put it to her; offered
her all he had, and promised mountains in futuro; but all in vain--
the maid's honesty was impregnable. She said, "She would not
break her trust for the whole world; no, not if she could gain a
hundred pound by it." Upon which Wild stepping up and telling her
"She need not fear losing her place, for it would never be found
out; that they could throw a pair of sheets into the street, by
which it might appear he got out at a window; that he himself
would swear he saw him descending; that the money would be so much
gains in her pocket; that, besides his promises, which she might
depend on being performed, she would receive from him twenty
shillings and ninepence in ready money (for she had only laid out
threepence in plain Spanish); and lastly, that, besides his
honour, the count should leave a pair of gold buttons (which
afterwards turned out to be brass) of great value, in her hands,
as a further pawn."

The maid still remained inflexible, till Wild offered to lend his
friend a guinea more, and to deposit it immediately in her hands.
This reinforcement bore down the poor girl's resolution, and she
faithfully promised to open the door to the count that evening.

Thus did our young hero not only lend his rhetoric, which few
people care to do without a fee, but his money too (a sum which
many a good man would have made fifty excuses before he would have
parted with), to his friend, and procured him his liberty.

But it would be highly derogatory from the GREAT character of
Wild, should the reader imagine he lent such a sum to a friend
without the least view of serving himself. As, therefore, the
reader may easily account for it in a manner more advantageous to
our hero's reputation, by concluding that he had some interested
view in the count's enlargement, we hope he will judge with
charity, especially as the sequel makes it not only reasonable but
necessary to suppose he had some such view.

A long intimacy and friendship subsisted between the count and Mr.
Wild, who, being by the advice of the count dressed in good
cloaths, was by him introduced into the best company. They
constantly frequented the assemblies, auctions, gaming-tables, and
play-houses; at which last they saw two acts every night, and then
retired without paying--this being, it seems, an immemorial
privilege which the beaus of the town prescribe for themselves.
This, however, did not suit Wild's temper, who called it a cheat,
and objected against it as requiring no dexterity, but what every
blockhead might put in execution. He said it was a custom very
much savouring of the sneaking-budge, but
neither so honourable nor so ingenious.

Wild now made a considerable figure, and passed for a gentleman of
great fortune in the funds. Women of quality treated him with
great familiarity, young ladies began to spread their charms for
him, when an accident happened that put a stop to his continuance
in a way of life too insipid and inactive to afford employment for
those great talents which were designed to make a much more
considerable figure in the world than attends the character of a
beau or a pretty gentleman.

CHAPTER SEVEN

MASTER WILD SETS OUT ON HIS TRAVELS, AND RETURNS HOME AGAIN. A
VERY SHORT CHAPTER, CONTAINING INFINITELY MORE TIME AND LESS
MATTER THAN ANY OTHER IN THE WHOLE STORY.

We are sorry we cannot indulge our reader's curiosity with a full
and perfect account of this accident; but as there are such
various accounts, one of which only can be true, and possibly and
indeed probably none; instead of following the general method of
historians, who in such cases set down the various reports, and
leave to your own conjecture which you will chuse, we shall pass
them all over.

Certain it is that, whatever this accident was, it determined our
hero's father to send his son immediately abroad for seven years;
and, which may seem somewhat remarkable, to his majesty's
plantations in America--that part of the world being, as he said,
freer from vices than the courts and cities of Europe, and
consequently less dangerous to corrupt a young man's morals. And
as for the advantages, the old gentleman thought they were equal
there with those attained in the politer climates; for travelling,
he said, was travelling in one part of the world as well as
another; it consisted in being such a time from home, and in
traversing so many leagues; and [he] appealed to experience
whether most of our travellers in France and Italy did not prove
at their return that they might have been sent as profitably to
Norway and Greenland.

According to these resolutions of his father, the young gentleman
went aboard a ship, and with a great deal of good company set out
for the American hemisphere. The exact time of his stay is
somewhat uncertain; most probably longer than was intended. But
howsoever long his abode there was, it must be a blank in this
history, as the whole story contains not one adventure worthy the
reader's notice; being indeed a continued scene of whoring,
drinking, and removing from one place to another.

To confess a truth, we are so ashamed of the shortness of this
chapter, that we would have done a violence to our history, and
have inserted an adventure or two of some other traveller; to
which purpose we borrowed the journals of several young gentlemen
who have lately made the tour of Europe; but to our great sorrow,
could not extract a single incident strong enough to justify the
theft to our conscience.

When we consider the ridiculous figure this chapter must make,
being the history of no less than eight years, our only comfort
is, that the histories of some men's lives, and perhaps of some
men who have made a noise in the world, are in reality as absolute
blanks as the travels of our hero. As, therefore, we shall make
sufficient amends in the sequel for this inanity, we shall hasten
on to matters of true importance and immense greatness. At present
we content ourselves with setting down our hero where we took him
up, after acquainting our reader that he went abroad, staid seven
years, and then came home again.

CHAPTER EIGHT

AN ADVENTURE WHERE WILD, IN THE DIVISION OF THE BOOTY, EXHIBITS AN
ASTONISHING INSTANCE OF GREATNESS.

The count was one night very successful at the hazard-table, where
Wild, who was just returned from his travels, was then present; as
was likewise a young gentleman whose name was Bob Bagshot, an
acquaintance of Mr. Wild's, and of whom he entertained a great
opinion; taking, therefore, Mr. Bagshot aside, he advised him to
provide himself (if he had them not about him) with a case of
pistols, and to attack the count in his way home, promising to
plant himself near with the same arms, as a corps de reserve, and
to come up on occasion. This was accordingly executed, and the
count obliged to surrender to savage force what he had in so
genteel and civil a manner taken at play.

And as it is a wise and philosophical observation, that one
misfortune never comes alone, the count had hardly passed the
examination of Mr. Bagshot when he fell into the hands of Mr.
Snap, who, in company with Mr. Wild the elder and one or two more
gentlemen, being, it seems, thereto well warranted, laid hold of
the unfortunate count, and conveyed him back to the same house
from which, by the assistance of his good friend, he had formerly
escaped.

Mr. Wild and Mr. Bagshot went together to the tavern, where Mr.
Bagshot (generously, as he thought) offered to share the booty,
and, having divided the money into two unequal heaps, and added a
golden snuff-box to the lesser heap, he desired Mr. Wild to take
his choice.

Mr. Wild immediately conveyed the larger share of the ready into
his pocket, according to an excellent maxim of his, "First secure
what share you can before you wrangle for the rest;" and then,
turning to his companion, he asked with a stern countenance
whether he intended to keep all that sum to himself? Mr. Bagshot
answered, with some surprize, that he thought Mr.