Chapter 3

Wild had no
reason to complain; for it was surely fair, at least on his part,
to content himself with an equal share of the booty, who had taken
the whole. "I grant you took it," replied Wild; "but, pray, who
proposed or counselled the taking it? Can you say that you have
done more than executed my scheme? and might not I, if I had
pleased, have employed another, since you well know there was not
a gentleman in the room but would have taken the money if he had
known how, conveniently and safely, to do it?" "That is very
true," returned Bagshot, "but did not I execute the scheme, did
not I run the whole risque? Should not I have suffered the whole
punishment if I had been taken, and is not the labourer worthy of
his hire?" "Doubtless," says Jonathan, "he is so, and your hire I
shall not refuse you, which is all that the labourer is entitled
to or ever enjoys. I remember when I was at school to have heard
some verses which for the excellence of their doctrine made an
impression on me, purporting that the birds of the air and the
beasts of the field work not for themselves. It is true, the
farmer allows fodder to his oxen and pasture to his sheep; but it
is for his own service, not theirs, In the same manner the
ploughman, the shepherd, the weaver, the builder, and the soldier,
work not for themselves but others; they are contented with a poor
pittance (the labourer's hire), and permit us, the GREAT, to enjoy
the fruits of their labours. Aristotle, as my master told us, hath
plainly proved, in the first book of his politics, that the low,
mean, useful part of mankind, are born slaves to the wills of
their superiors, and are indeed as much their property as the
cattle. It is well said of us, the higher order of mortals, that
we are born only to devour the fruits of the earth; and it may be
as well said of the lower class, that they are born only to
produce them for us. Is not the battle gained by the sweat and
danger of the common soldier? Are not the honour and fruits of the
victory the general's who laid the scheme? Is not the house built
by the labour of the carpenter and the bricklayer? Is it not built
for the profit only of the architect and for the use of the
inhabitant, who could not easily have placed one brick upon
another? Is not the cloth or the silk wrought into its form and
variegated with all the beauty of colours by those who are forced
to content themselves with the coarsest and vilest part of their
work, while the profit and enjoyment of their labours fall to the
share of others? Cast your eye abroad, and see who is it lives in
the most magnificent buildings, feasts his palate with the most
luxurious dainties, his eyes with the most beautiful sculptures
and delicate paintings, and clothes himself in the finest and
richest apparel; and tell me if all these do not fall to his lot
who had not any the least share in producing all these
conveniences, nor the least ability so to do? Why then should the
state of a prig differ from all others? Or why
should you, who are the labourer only, the executor of my scheme,
expect a share in the profit? Be advised, therefore; deliver the
whole booty to me, and trust to my bounty for your reward." Mr.
Bagshot was some time silent, and looked like a man thunderstruck,
but at last, recovering himself from his surprize, he thus began:
"If you think, Mr. Wild, by the force of your arguments, to get
the money out of my pocket, you are greatly mistaken. What is all
this stuff to me? D--n me, I am a man of honour, and, though I
can't talk as well as you, by G--you shall not make a fool of me;
and if you take me for one, I must tell you you are a rascal." At
which words he laid his hand to his pistol. Wild, perceiving the
little success the great strength of his arguments had met with,
and the hasty temper of his friend, gave over his design for the
present, and told Bagshot he was only in jest. But this coolness
with which he treated the other's flame had rather the effect of
oil than of water. Bagshot replied in a rage, "D--n me, I don't
like such jests; I see you are a pitiful rascal and a scoundrel."
Wild, with a philosophy worthy of great admiration, returned, "As
for your abuse, I have no regard to it; but, to convince you I am
not afraid of you, let us lay the whole booty on the table, and
let the conqueror take it all." And having so said, he drew out
his shining hanger, whose glittering so dazzled the eyes of
Bagshot, that, in tone entirely altered, he said, "No! he was
contented with what he had already; that it was mighty ridiculous
in them to quarrel among themselves; that they had common enemies
enough abroad, against whom they should unite their common force;
that if he had mistaken Wild he was sorry for it; and as for a
jest, he could take a jest as well as another." Wild, who had a
wonderful knack of discovering and applying to the passions of
men, beginning now to have a little insight into his friend, and
to conceive what arguments would make the quickest impression on
him, cried out in a loud voice, "That he had bullied him into
drawing his hanger, and, since it was out, he would not put it up
without satisfaction." "What satisfaction would you have?"
answered the other. "Your money or your blood," said Wild. "Why,
look ye, Mr. Wild," said Bagshot, "if you want to borrow a little
of my part, since I know you to be a man of honour, I don't care
if I lend you; for, though I am not afraid of any man living, yet
rather than break with a friend, and as it may be necessary for
your occasions--" Wild, who often declared that he looked upon
borrowing to be as good a way of taking as any, and, as he called
it, the genteelest kind of sneaking-budge, putting up his hanger,
and shaking his friend by the hand, told him he had hit the nail
on the head; it was really his present necessity only that
prevailed with him against his will, for that his honour was
concerned to pay a considerable sum the next morning. Upon which,
contenting himself with one half of Bagshot's share, so that he
had three parts in four of the whole, he took leave of his
companion and retired to rest.

CHAPTER NINE

WILD PAYS A VISIT TO MISS LETITIA SNAP. A DESCRIPTION OF THAT
LOVELY YOUNG CREATURE, AND THE SUCCESSLESS ISSUE OF MR. WILD'S
ADDRESSES.

The next morning when our hero waked he began to think of paying a
visit to Miss Tishy Snap, a woman of great merit and of as great
generosity; yet Mr. Wild found a present was ever most welcome to
her, as being a token of respect in her lover. He therefore went
directly to a toy-shop, and there purchased a genteel snuff-box,
with which he waited upon his mistress, whom he found in the most
beautiful undress. Her lovely hair hung wantonly over her
forehead, being neither white with, nor yet free from, powder; a
neat double clout, which seemed to have been worn a few weeks
only, was pinned under her chin; some remains of that art with
which ladies improve nature shone on her cheeks; her body was
loosely attired, without stays or jumps, so that her breasts had
uncontrolled liberty to display their beauteous orbs, which they
did as low as her girdle; a thin covering of a rumpled muslin
handkerchief almost hid them from the eyes, save in a few parts,
where a good-natured hole gave opportunity to the naked breast to
appear. Her gown was a satin of a whitish colour, with about a
dozen little silver spots upon it, so artificially interwoven at
great distance, that they looked as if they had fallen there by
chance. This, flying open, discovered a fine yellow petticoat,
beautifully edged round the bottom with a narrow piece of half
gold lace which was now almost become fringe: beneath this
appeared another petticoat stiffened with whalebone, vulgarly
called a hoop, which hung six inches at least below the other; and
under this again appeared an under-garment of that colour which
Ovid intends when he says,

----Qui color albus erat nunc est contrarius albo.

She likewise displayed two pretty feet covered with silk and
adorned with lace, and tied, the right with a handsome piece of
blue ribbon; the left, as more unworthy, with a piece of yellow
stuff, which seemed to have been a strip of her upper petticoat.
Such was the lovely creature whom Mr. Wild attended. She received
him at first with some of that coldness which women of strict
virtue, by a commendable though sometimes painful restraint,
enjoin themselves to their lovers. The snuff-box, being produced,
was at first civilly, and indeed gently, refused; but on a second
application accepted. The tea-table was soon called for, at which
a discourse passed between these young lovers, which, could we set
it down with any accuracy, would be very edifying as well as
entertaining to our reader; let it suffice then that the wit,
together with, the beauty, of this young creature, so inflamed the
passion of Wild, which, though an honourable sort of a passion,
was at the same time so extremely violent, that it transported him
to freedoms too offensive to the nice chastity of Laetitia, who
was, to confess the truth, more indebted to her own strength for
the preservation of her virtue than to the awful respect or
backwardness of her lover; he was indeed so very urgent in his
addresses, that, had he not with many oaths promised her marriage,
we could scarce have been strictly justified in calling his
passion honourable; but he was so remarkably attached to decency,
that he never offered any violence to a young lady without the
most earnest promises of that kind, these being, he said, a
ceremonial due to female modesty, which cost so little, and were
so easily pronounced, that the omission could arise from nothing
but the mere wantonness of brutality. The lovely Laetitia, either
out of prudence, or perhaps religion, of which she was a liberal
professor, was deaf to all his promises, and luckily invincible by
his force; for, though she had not yet learnt the art of well
clenching her fist, nature had not however left her defenceless,
for at the ends of her fingers she wore arms, which she used with
such admirable dexterity, that the hot blood of Mr. Wild soon
began to appear in several little spots on his face, and his full-
blown cheeks to resemble that part which modesty forbids a boy to
turn up anywhere but in a public school, after some pedagogue,
strong of arm, hath exercised his talents thereon. Wild now
retreated from the conflict, and the victorious Laetitia, with
becoming triumph and noble spirit, cried out, "D--n your eyes, if
this be your way of shewing your love, I'll warrant I gives you
enough on't." She then proceeded to talk of her virtue, which Wild
bid her carry to the devil with her, and thus our lovers parted.

CHAPTER TEN

A DISCOVERY OF SOME MATTERS CONCERNING THE CHASTE LAETITIA WHICH
MUST WONDERFULLY SURPRISE, AND PERHAPS AFFECT, OUR READER.

Mr. Wild was no sooner departed than the fair conqueress, opening
the door of a closet, called forth a young gentleman whom she had
there enclosed at the approach of the other. The name of this
gallant was Tom Smirk. He was clerk to an attorney, and was indeed
the greatest beau and the greatest favourite of the ladies at the
end of the town where he lived. As we take dress to be the
characteristic or efficient quality of a beau, we shall, instead
of giving any character of this young gentleman, content ourselves
with describing his dress only to our readers. He wore, then, a
pair of white stockings on his legs, and pumps on his feet: his
buckles were a large piece of pinchbeck plate, which almost
covered his whole foot. His breeches were of red plush, which
hardly reached his knees; his waistcoat was a white dimity, richly
embroidered with yellow silk, over which he wore a blue plush coat
with metal buttons, a smart sleeve, and a cape reaching half way
down his back. His wig was of a brown colour, covering almost half
his pate, on which was hung on one side a little laced hat, but
cocked with great smartness. Such was the accomplished Smirk, who,
at his issuing forth from the closet, was received with open arms
by the amiable Laetitia. She addressed him by the tender name of
dear Tommy, and told him she had dismissed the odious creature
whom her father intended for her husband, and had now nothing to
interrupt her happiness with him.

Here, reader, thou must pardon us if we stop a while to lament the
capriciousness of Nature in forming this charming part of the
creation designed to complete the happiness of man; with their
soft innocence to allay his ferocity, with their sprightliness to
soothe his cares, and with their constant friendship to relieve
all the troubles and disappointments which can happen to him.
Seeing then that these are the blessings chiefly sought after and
generally found in every wife, how must we lament that disposition
in these lovely creatures which leads them to prefer in their
favour those individuals of the other sex who do not seem intended
by nature as so great a masterpiece! For surely, however useful
they may be in the creation, as we are taught that nothing, not
even a louse, is made in vain, yet these beaus, even that most
splendid and honoured part which in this our island nature loves
to distinguish in red, are not, as some think, the noblest work of
the Creator. For my own part, let any man chuse to himself two
beaus, let them be captains or colonels, as well-dressed men as
ever lived, I would venture to oppose a single Sir Isaac Newton, a
Shakespear, a Milton, or perhaps some few others, to both these
beaus; nay, and I very much doubt whether it had not been better
for the world in general that neither of these beaus had ever been
born than that it should have wanted the benefit arising to it
from the labour of any one of those persons.

If this be true, how melancholy must be the consideration that any
single beau, especially if he have but half a yard of ribbon in
his hat, shall weigh heavier in the scale of female affection than
twenty Sir Isaac Newtons! How must our reader, who perhaps had
wisely accounted for the resistance which the chaste Laetitia had
made to the violent addresses of the ravished (or rather
ravishing) Wild from that lady's impregnable virtue--how must he
blush, I say, to perceive her quit the strictness of her carriage,
and abandon herself to those loose freedoms which she indulged to
Smirk! But alas! when we discover all, as to preserve the fidelity
of our history we must, when we relate that every familiarity had
past between them, and that the FAIR Laetitia (for we must, in
this single instance, imitate Virgil when he drops the pius and
the pater, and drop our favourite epithet of chaste), the FAIR
Laetitia had, I say, made Smirk as happy as Wild desired to be,
what must then be our reader's confusion! We will, therefore, draw
a curtain over this scene, from that philogyny which is in us, and
proceed to matters which, instead of dishonouring the human
species, will greatly raise and ennoble it.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CONTAINING AS NOTABLE INSTANCES OF HUMAN GREATNESS AS ARE TO BE
MET WITH IN ANCIENT OR MODERN HISTORY. CONCLUDING WITH SOME
WHOLESOME HINTS TO THE GAY PART OF MANKIND.

Wild no sooner parted from the chaste Laetitia than, recollecting
that his friend the count was returned to his lodgings in the same
house, he resolved to visit him; for he was none of those half-
bred fellows who are ashamed to see their friends when they have
plundered and betrayed them; from which base and pitiful temper
many monstrous cruelties have been transacted by men, who have
sometimes carried their modesty so far as to the murder or utter
ruin of those against whom their consciences have suggested to
them that they have committed some small trespass, either by the
debauching a friend's wife or daughter, belying or betraying the
friend himself, or some other such trifling instance. In our hero
there was nothing not truly great: he could, without the least
abashment, drink a bottle with the man who knew he had the moment
before picked his pocket; and, when he had stripped him of
everything he had, never desired to do him any further mischief;
for he carried good-nature to that wonderful and uncommon height
that he never did a single injury to man or woman by which he
himself did not expect to reap some advantage. He would often
indeed say that by the contrary party men often made a bad bargain
with the devil, and did his work for nothing.

Our hero found the captive count, not basely lamenting his fate
nor abandoning himself to despair, but, with due resignation,
employing himself in preparing several packs of cards for future
exploits. The count, little suspecting that Wild had been the sole
contriver of the misfortune which had befallen him, rose up and
eagerly embraced him, and Wild returned his embrace with equal
warmth. They were no sooner seated than Wild took an occasion,
from seeing the cards lying on the table, to inveigh against
gaming, and, with an usual and highly commendable freedom, after
first exaggerating the distressed circumstances in which the count
was then involved, imputed all his misfortunes to that cursed itch
of play which, he said, he concluded had brought his present
confinement upon him, and must unavoidably end in his destruction.
The other, with great alacrity, defended his favourite amusement
(or rather employment), and, having told his friend the great
success he had after his unluckily quitting the room, acquainted
him with the accident which followed, and which the reader, as
well as Mr. Wild, hath had some intimation of before; adding,
however, one circumstance not hitherto mentioned, viz. that he had
defended his money with the utmost bravery, and had dangerously
wounded at least two of the three men that had attacked him. This
behaviour Wild, who not only knew the extreme readiness with which
the booty had been delivered, but also the constant frigidity of
the count's courage, highly applauded, and wished he had been
present to assist him. The count then proceeded to animadvert on
the carelessness of the watch, and the scandal it was to the laws
that honest people could not walk the streets in safety; and,
after expatiating some time on that subject, he asked Mr. Wild if
he ever saw so prodigious a run of luck (for so he chose to call
his winning, though he knew Wild was well acquainted with his
having loaded dice in his pocket). The other answered it was
indeed prodigious, and almost sufficient to justify any person who
did not know him better in suspecting his fair play. "No man, I
believe, dares call that in question," replied he. "No, surely,"
says Wild; "you are well known to be a man of more honour; but
pray, sir," continued he, "did the rascals rob you of all?" "Every
shilling," cries the other, with an oath: "they did not leave me a
single stake."

While they were thus discoursing, Mr. Snap, with a gentleman who
followed him, introduced Mr. Bagshot into the company. It seems
Mr. Bagshot, immediately after his separation from Mr. Wild,
returned to the gaming-table, where having trusted to fortune that
treasure which he had procured by his industry, the faithless
goddess committed a breach of trust, and sent Mr. Bagshot away
with as empty pockets as are to be found in any laced coat in the
kingdom. Now, as that gentleman was walking to a certain reputable
house or shed in Convent-garden market he fortuned to meet with
Mr. Snap, who had just returned from conveying the count to his
lodgings, and was then walking to and fro before the gaming-house
door; for you are to know, my good reader, if you have never been
a man of wit and pleasure about town, that, as the voracious pike
lieth snug under some weed before the mouth of any of those little
streams which discharge themselves into a large river, waiting for
the small fry which issue thereout, so hourly, before the door or
mouth of these gaming-houses, doth Mr. Snap, or some other
gentleman of his occupation, attend the issuing forth of the small
fry of young gentlemen, to whom they deliver little slips of
parchment, containing invitations of the said gentlemen to their
houses, together with one Mr. John Doe, a person whose company is in great request.
Mr. Snap, among many others of these billets, happened to have one
directed to Mr. Bagshot, being at the suit or solicitation of one
Mrs. Anne Sample, spinster, at whose house the said Bagshot had
lodged several months, and whence he had inadvertently departed
without taking a formal leave, on which account Mrs. Anne had
taken this method of SPEAKING WITH him.

Mr. Snap's house being now very full of good company, he was
obliged to introduce Mr. Bagshot into the count's apartment, it
being, as he said, the only chamber he had to LOCK UP in. Mr. Wild
no sooner saw his friend than he ran eagerly to embrace him, and
immediately presented him to the count, who received him with
great civility.

CHAPTER TWELVE

OTHER PARTICULARS RELATING TO MISS TISHY, WHICH PERHAPS MAY NOT
GREATLY SURPRISE AFTER THE FORMER. THE DESCRIPTION OF A VERY FINE
GENTLEMAN. AND A DIALOGUE BETWEEN WILD AND THE COUNT, IN WHICH
PUBLIC VIRTUE IS JUST HINTED AT, WITH, ETC.

Mr. Snap had turned the key a very few minutes before a servant of
the family called Mr. Bagshot out of the room, telling him there
was a person below who desired to speak with him; and this was no
other than Miss Laetitia Snap, whose admirer Mr. Bagshot had long
been, and in whose tender breast his passion had raised a more
ardent flame than that which any of his rivals had been able to
raise. Indeed, she was so extremely fond of this youth, that she
often confessed to her female confidents, if she could ever have
listened to the thought of living with any one man, Mr. Bagshot
was he. Nor was she singular in this inclination, many other young
ladies being her rivals in this matter, who had all the great and
noble qualifications necessary to form a true gallant, and which
nature is seldom so extremely bountiful as to indulge to any one
person. We will endeavour, however, to describe them all with as
much exactness as possible. He was then six feet high, had large
calves, broad shoulders, a ruddy complexion, with brown curled
hair, a modest assurance, and clean linen. He had indeed, it must
be confessed, some small deficiencies to counterbalance these
heroic qualities; for he was the silliest fellow in the world,
could neither write nor read, nor had he a single grain or spark
of honour, honesty, or good-nature, in his whole composition.

As soon as Mr. Bagshot had quitted the room the count, taking Wild
by the hand, told him he had something to communicate to him of
very great importance. "I am very well convinced," said he, "that
Bagshot is the person who robbed me." Wild started with great
amazement at this discovery, and answered, with a most serious
countenance, "I advise you to take care how you cast any such
reflections on a man of Mr. Bagshot's nice honour, for I am
certain he will not bear it." "D--n his honour!" quoth the enraged
count; "nor can I bear being robbed; I will apply to a justice of
peace." Wild replied, with great indignation, "Since you dare
entertain such a suspicion against my friend, I will henceforth
disclaim all acquaintance with you. Mr. Bagshot is a man of
honour, and my friend, and consequently it is impossible he should
be guilty of a bad action." He added much more to the same
purpose, which had not the expected weight with the count; for the
latter seemed still certain as to the person, and resolute in
applying for justice, which, he said, he thought he owed to the
public as well as to himself. Wild then changed his countenance
into a kind of derision, and spoke as follows: "Suppose it should
be possible that Mr. Bagshot had, in a frolic (for I will call it
no other), taken this method of borrowing your money, what will
you get by prosecuting him? Not your money again, for you hear he
was stripped at the gaming-table (of which Bagshot had during
their short confabulation informed them); you will get then an
opportunity of being still more out of pocket by the prosecution.
Another advantage you may promise yourself is the being blown up
at every gaming-house in town, for that I will assure you of; and
then much good may it do you to sit down with the satisfaction of
having discharged what it seems you owe the public. I am ashamed
of my own discernment when I mistook you for a great man. Would it
not be better for you to receive part (perhaps all) of your money
again by a wise concealment: for, however seedy
Mr. Bagshot may be now, if he hath really played this frolic with
you, you may believe he will play it with others, and when he is
in cash you may depend on a restoration; the law will be always in
your power, and that is the last remedy which a brave or a wise
man would resort to. Leave the affair therefore to me; I will
examine Bagshot, and, if I find he hath played you this trick, I
will engage my own honour you shall in the end be no loser." The
count answered, "If I was sure to be no loser, Mr. Wild, I
apprehend you have a better opinion of my understanding than to
imagine I would prosecute a gentleman for the sake of the public.
These are foolish words of course, which we learn a ridiculous
habit of speaking, and will often break from us without any design
or meaning. I assure you, all I desire is a reimbursement; and if
I can by your means obtain that, the public may--;" concluding
with a phrase too coarse to be inserted in a history of this kind.

They were now informed that dinner was ready, and the company
assembled below stairs, whither the reader may, if he please,
attend these gentlemen.

There sat down at the table Mr. Snap, and the two Miss Snaps his
daughters, Mr. Wild the elder, Mr. Wild the younger, the count,
Mr. Bagshot, and a grave gentleman who had formerly had the honour
of carrying arms in a regiment of foot, and who was now engaged in
the office (perhaps a more profitable one) of assisting or
following Mr. Snap in the execution of the laws of his country.

Nothing very remarkable passed at dinner. The conversation (as is
usual in polite company) rolled chiefly on what they were then
eating and what they had lately eaten. In this the military
gentleman, who had served in Ireland, gave them a very particular
account of a new manner of roasting potatoes, and others gave an
account of other dishes. In short, an indifferent by-stander would
have concluded from their discourse that they had all come into
this world for no other purpose than to fill their bellies; and
indeed, if this was not the chief, it is probable it was the most
innocent design Nature had in their formation.

As soon as THE DISH was removed, and the ladies retired, the count
proposed a game at hazard, which was immediately assented to by
the whole company, and, the dice being immediately brought in, the
count took up the box and demanded who would set him: to which no
one made any answer, imagining perhaps the count's pockets to be
more empty than they were; for, in reality, that gentleman
(notwithstanding what he had heartily swore to Mr. Wild) had,
since his arrival at Mr. Snap's, conveyed a piece of plate to
pawn, by which means he had furnished himself with ten guineas.
The count, therefore, perceiving this backwardness in his friends,
and probably somewhat guessing at the cause of it, took the said
guineas out of his pocket, and threw them on the table; when lo,
(such is the force of example) all the rest began to produce their
funds, and immediately, a considerable sum glittering in their
eyes, the game began.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

A CHAPTER OF WHICH WE ARE EXTREMELY VAIN, AND WHICH INDEED WE LOOK
ON AS OUR CHEF-D'OEUVRE; CONTAINING A WONDERFUL STORY CONCERNING
THE DEVIL, AND AS NICE A SCENE OF HONOUR AS EVER HAPPENED.